Oh My Goodness!

I had confirmation of what I suspected. One of my little men has a "girlfriend."

No, not Sammy. He informed me that he has seven wives. Somehow that sounds safer than one girlfriend.

I am not sure what to make of this. I realize that I can set boundaries and rules... such as no dating till you are 30... or only group dating ... but really if they like someone... there is not much I can do to stop it.

If a certain lady makes my little man's heart pound faster or happier... it is going to happen.

Wow. And he seems so calm and cool about it.

Didn't I just change his diaper a little while ago?

When did this happen?

I am going to be a cool mom. I wish he would talk to me about it... but he thinks I am going to be weird about it. (That is my job, isn't it)?

So I have been observing my friends with their kids. They seem easy going about it. They seem to know that this isn't anything to get too hung up about. It is a part of growing up.

Yikes.

So I am going to be cool. Set boundaries? Definitely. Keep tabs? You bet! Pray? Never ceasing.

Oh my goodness.

Equality

My in-laws were over last night. We celebrated my brother-in-law's birthday late.

There was food, cake and cousins. It made for a nice night.

Then it started. The argument of all arguments. It is the argument that seems to have no beginning or end. It is about equality. My in-laws insist that they were fair in their love with both their boys.

Sanj feels otherwise. lol His brother, Raj, is a persistent sort. Once he gets something in his head, it is hard to get it out. There was the time when Raj wanted a motorcycle. He bugged his parents to death for this bike. They gave in.

Then there is the story of the 10 speed. Apparently Sanj worked his butt off to earn a 10 speed bike. He bought this used one and painted and fixed it up. Sanj's version is that his parents then went out and bought Raj one. And it was a new 10 speed. His parents argue that is wasn't new.

Then they explained that Sanj was the responsible one. So they gave him a credit card when he went off to school. (Apparently Sanj only used it for gas). They spent their money on his education.

This is the age old argument that comes up. Then without fail, they leave by saying, "Well never mind, Son, we love you very much and equally."

I actually felt bad for my in-laws last night. They want so badly for their kids to know that they loved them. Equally. Yet since the reality is that there was inequality there, this argument seems to be an endless one.

What do I mean by equality? Well, Raj is a demanding personality. He is the one that got the girls, but only because he went after them. Sanj was too shy to chase anyone. Raj got a bike. But only because Sanj would never have thought to ask his parents for something so extravagant.

Their personalities play a role as did their roles in the family. Sanj, being the oldest was responsible and dependable. Raj, being the baby was catered to and let his needs and wants know.

I felt bad for my in-laws because maybe they weren't as comfortable with the obvious.

But that is how life is, isn't it?

I look at my own kids. Sammy and Tyler have no trouble listing 10 things at any given time they may want off the top of their head. If I ask Jordan or Max... whose birthdays are in a few days... they will say they don't know.

Jordan and Max are not the kind of kids that ask for things. They are content. It is frustrating because I know I have to think and listen so I can find clues as to what they may want.

So do Sammy and Tyler get stuff? Yes. More stuff? Probably. Does it mean that I love them more? No. It means that they are more demanding. It means that it is easy to buy for them.

It means they are brats. lol

In the same light.... I believe Sanj's folks are so proud of him. Education is very important to them. He gave them bragging rights. He gave them peace of mind. Because he always looked out for his little brother too. Raj has done fine for himself. But... they knew that Sanj would be there to take care of it all. This is something they are proud of .

Sure, Sanj would have liked something. But he never asked. So... where does this leave the argument?

The truth... the black and white is that Raj got more stuff. He got away with more. He was bolder in nature and therefore had the stuff (bikes, girlfriends etc) to show for it.

Sanj was conscientious. He never asked for things that he knew they couldn't have. He saved, earned and studied.

Yet as I watch this argument unfold over and over... my thoughts have changed over the years.

First, I agreed with Sanj. The favoritism is obvious. But as the years have gone by, as my understand of parenting increases... I see it through different eyes.

I understand how one child gets more "stuff" and how another may get more attention. I understand how all children are loved "equally" even though it may not seem so in actions.

I find myself looking for things to buy Max or Jordan because I want to bridge that gap. I make sure to seek Max (my non demanding child) to shower him with love and attention.

I also know that the day will come when one of my kids will claim that we were unfair. We did this or that wrong. And I am sure I will be there, arguing that I loved each of them equally.

Yet I know that the day will come when They will get it.

So, as I sat there last night, listening and watching my in-laws... I felt for them.

But what I felt was their love for both of their children.

I am pretty sure they love me more than my sister-in-law... if the truth be told.!

lol... Just kidding!

650! www.sukumaranville.blogspot.com

This is my 651th. Apparently, according to my hubby, I use the line or title, "Peace Be Still" too much. It is an annoyance to him.

Hum. Fine, no more PEACE BE STILL! Can you see what I live with? Maybe I am just a constant seeker of peace!

OK, I just wanted to use the words PEACE BE STILL a few more times! lol

We were talking about my blog this weekend. Whether or not it is book material or not?

Feel free to weigh in. My blog has been an evolution of myself. I am not sure aside from my brother how many have been following me and my blog from the beginning.

But as I read the beginning of the blog is see someone that was living in discombobulation. There was so much I was trying to work out. I was a prisoner to my past in many ways. I wanted to be free of the pains I felt yet didn't know how to do this.

So much of my early blog is about learning about love. True love. And I don't mean that heart pounding love for your sweetheart. I mean all the components of loving and being loved.

I learned that everyone doesn't love the same. It sounds silly but this was a huge one for me. I always knew that my dad "loves" me. But his love was not the level of love that I needed to be loved or feel loved. Does that make sense?

My dad's highest level of love is his 10. His 10 is equivalent to my 5. So it leaves me feeling unfulfilled. It has always left me wanting more. It left me feeling that he didn't love me.

It took my the last years to realize that each of us love differently. Of course there is the love language. But we all have different love meters. I am not sure if this is something I made up, but it just makes so much sense to me.

Over the last 650 blogs, I have found that motherhood is my true life love. As I sort through and look for what I want to be when I grow up... I couldn't find that answer because it is right in my face. I am doing it. Mom. I want to be mom 100% to my boys.

I have found that I have a unique way to worship God. It may be different then what society thinks is the right way but my way is what works for me. I love Him so much. I have found God so many times through my blog. Funny, how that works? Thanks God.

My blog has become a memory maker. I love journaling. Since becoming a blogger, I have quit that but find that I can add my stories of my munchkins into my blog which makes it a memory keeper of sorts for us.

My blog keeps me accountable to my kids. Funny, they will read it occasionally and then make mention that I haven't written about them. They hold me accountable. Have I said how much I love them?

Over the last 650 blogs, I have learned about boundaries. I have learned how to set healthy boundaries for myself. Just because I love someone doesn't mean I have to live with hurt and abuse.

My blog has been a great source of venting. I have learned through my venting that I am not alone. My struggles are not exclusive to me. What a relief.

Sanj often says my blog is the one thing that I have kept at. Usually I get bored and stop something within a given period. It is my personality. He tells me how surprised he is that I am still with him! lol

So today I am celebrating my blog! Thank you to my readers (whomever you are). Thank you to my Facebook club for all the words of encouragement and love. I love you.

Here's to another chapter in my life as a blogger.

All About Joel... In My Words...

Our dear principal apparently read my blog worrying that I am writing about him... when I am ready to tear someone to shreds.

So I thought I would put his fears to rest and write about him.

What can I say about this man...

First of all, he is no metro-sexual.

He is someone that likes to have fun.

He is a great prankster.

He is someone of great faith.

He is someone who is patient, long suffering (very long-suffering, lol) and hopeful.

He is a very interesting person.

He loves road kill.

He loves his Wife.

He is a great Dad.

He has a unique ability to pick a shirt that becomes a great conversational piece.

He is a good cook. He makes a great apple crumble.

He is a glutton for punishment.

He likes football (even in his fantasies).

He is our Bill Nye the science guy crossed with the Nutty Professor.

He puts fear in the hearts of fish.

He has corpses in his freezer but not skeletons in his closet.

Aw... There is so much I could say. But the one thing I know is that I am glad that this man and his lovely family is part of our school and community.

Wow... what a nice blog this is. Don't get too use to it! lol

All Over Again! Yes, I Would!

Last night on our way home from friends, Sanj asked me if I knew what I know now, would I still have married him?

We were going back in time, he was telling (his version) of his proposal.

I said, "Yes, I would."

He was surprised that I said yes! lol

Guess he realizes that he is a kook.

Life is good. I think that the big picture is a good picture.

I love my husband. He keeps me on my toes. He makes my world go round. He is the peanut butter in my Reese cup.

I love you, Sanj.

TGIF

Last night Sammy came home from hockey practice with an injury.

Apparently his brother, Tyler, slashed him and he hurt his arm real bad.

I spent 2 hours at the doctor's to determine that it is a soft flesh wound.

SO glad it was not broken. Wondering how many of these visits are in the future?

I heard Tyler "bragging" to his friend that it was broken. (Sammy was trying to make him feel bad... guess that didn't quite work).

I had a delightful morning with some of my favourite people on Good Neighbour Committee.

Such a great group of ladies, with big hearts and creative minds... (of course we missed you that was absent).

Sammy was at this meeting. "Are all your meetings like this? He asked?

I wasn't sure what he was getting at. A bunch of women, chatting at once, laughing having a good time (even though we really are working). I didn't want him to get the idea that I was slacking all day! lol

"Do you always have this much food at your meetings? And can I come?" he asked.

I had to laugh. He was more than happy to fill his belly. There is always food.

Food = fellowship and fun.

Maybe this is what is missing from my other committees that I am not enjoying as much.

I am so looking forward to making the plans and ideas come to life. Nothing like seeing a goal through and knowing you are going to make a difference.

Tonight at our school is a parent night out. Again, it centers around food and fellowship. Greek food is on the night's menu. Yum!

I am looking forward to just being with people that make my world go around.

Tomorrow I get to go to my camera class. It is 3 hours... on learning all about my new camera.

I am so excited. I am also a little scared.

I didn't sleep well last night. I ran out of my sleeping pills. I had so much on my mind. I couldn't make it stop. It was 2:30 or so in the morning and I hear Josh. He sounds like he is going to throw up. I sit right up. I cup my hand under his mouth and out comes a thick stream of supper, I am assuming.

Talk about waking up. It is really one of the grossest things out there. Puke. Even my own kid's makes me want to throw up.

We changed the sheets, got settled and then my minds begins to go again.

What is that about? I really need to take up yoga or go back to lamaze or something.

So, I am tired. But ready for tonight. I miss my husband. He has been so busy. It is ridiculous.

I am not even going to go there. I can't wait for spring, when he will be done his classes.

But tonight, it is about us.

There is nothing like a good babysitter. Someone that you know you can walk out and not worry. I LOVE our sitter. The boys enjoy her. And I come home to a clean, dishes done, house.

Her family is going to be moving to another city soon. Not sure that will happen then. Very sad about that.

OK... I am just so tired. So I am rambling. I just needed to write. Hope your weekend is a great one with some relaxation fit in.

Teenage Torment

I have missed writing. Life has been busy. Today I had to take Tyler to the orthodontist for 10 a.m. I decided to take him out for breakfast after dropping the others off.

Moody. Wow. Here's the thing, I wanted to have my boys close together. I had this fantasy that this would allow them the chance to be friends as well as siblings. I am not sure what I was smoking.

What has been the outcome of that is I have a 14 year old... with 95% attitude. I have a 13 year old with 75% attitude. I have a 12 year old with 50% attitude.

Hello... where did I go wrong? What was I thinking? Don't get me wrong... they have their moments of wonderfulness but really is moments all I get for the next few years?

Sanj said last night... "wake me up when it is over..." lol

So I am not sure on what the point was. Sure they can be friends... there are those moments.

But Tyler ... I so expected him to be easier. Maybe he is easier. I am just scarred. He is an intense child. He is my child that latches on to something and I am doomed.

First there was the obsession with tools. That lasted about 2 years. Then it was all about triceratops. You know the 3 horned dinosaur. That lasted for a few years. Then there was elephants. That was followed by the Crocodile Hunter and a love for reptiles especially crocs.

I am exhausted just remembering. The older he gets the more expensive his obsessions become. Clothing, golf clubs and so forth.

He is now into his friends. It is exhausting. If he is not with them, then he is online texting, emailing or Face-booking them.

He is loyal. He is dedicated to things he loves. Sanj and I were saying he will make a good husband someday far away.

I miss my sweet Ty-ty. I am not sure who this moody broody boy is that keeps surfacing.

So as much as I loved having a baby factory going back in the day... I didn't think of the hormone hazards that would be coming my way too.

Thankfully I have my lovelies still... my Maxwell, Zachary and Mama loving Josh!

Peace Be Still!

It is 5:28 p.m. I am getting supper on the table, a load of laundry in the wash, tidying up from the morning rush, and admitting that my floor HAS to be mopped. Yuck.

I was always busy. But this kinda busy... I am not sure I like. I really do like being in the office. I like figuring out things and conquering the crazy new computer system. (I just hope that I don't forget it all by Tuesday, again)! I like being around people. I also really like knowing I am contributing to the business.

But then I come home to dishes, supper, laundry and homework await among many other things.

How do you do it... working mamas? Probably organization, huh? Yah, I really have to work on that one.

I was thinking about how great it would be to find someone to come in 2 hours a day... do my tidying and a bit of laundry... how nice it would be to come home to that!

OK, I'll keep dreaming.

I appreciate the words of love and wisdom yesterday. I was venting. When Sanj gets stressed, it stresses me.

Here's the thing... I do know God has a plan, say for our school. I know that He really is in control. I just get so stressed when I see things happening that are not good... I am assuming... and I wonder... "Hello God... don't forget about us... when are You going to step in?"

I am perhaps of little faith. I think so often of the story of the disciples in the boat, trying to get a little rest from the crowds. Then that storm came. And they were scared. I hate to say it, but really I always felt Jesus was being a little to rough on them. The waves were huge (I am assuming), there was lightning, thunder... I would be to petrified.

I know that Jesus was in the boat. They should have trusted. But I would have been like them. I would have been SO scared. Apparently it is all about timing and faith. If the disciples didn't lack faith, what would have happened? Just having Jesus in the boat would have kept them safe?

Wow. So here I am ... it is all about faith. I trust that our school, which I love so much, which is also God's school will be taken care of by Him. Just because I am scared of a "storm" doesn't mean it is all going to sink... right? And just because I see a huge wave that is going to capsize the boat any minute... doesn't mean that it will sink... because Jesus is in this boat/school... right?

Not that there are storms... this is a metaphor of sorts!

Peace Be Still. Lord, I am praying for peace to still my beating heart. I pray for this amazing school, that I know You love and are in control of. Help me let go. Help me to trust that You have it all in the Palm of Your hands. Help me to let go of pettiness and fear. Bless our school.

Lord, please bless it. Bless our wonderful principal. Thank you for the patience he has and his trust in you. Thank you for the staff and teachers. Then there is the board, Lord... thank you for those that are so dedicated (and their lonely spouses) to serving. Lord, may each of us have open hearts to continue to serve You and open ears to hear You.

May this place be Your place where our child will continue to grow in Your love.

Thank you, Lord, for Rhema.

Amen.

Thank You, God That Today is OVER!

Today is one of those days I am so glad is almost over. I almost fell asleep at 7 p.m. as I was lying down with the boys. It has been a day full of stress.

Stuff was happening at the office... very stressful for Sanj... in turn, me. But it seems to be the kind of thing that will work itself out. Hopefully. Prayer... Faith...

Then there's stuff that happens that you wish you didn't know. It happens whenever you care too much or become a part of something dear to you.

What do you do? I wish it was easy to just withdraw. But it isn't.

It sucks when people take roles and abuse their power. It sucks when people can't be wrong.

It sucks when one person's actions impact a larger group.

I want to write death threats. OK, not really. But I do want to be really ugly. I do want to be really unchristlike for 5 minutes. I want to slash some tires. OK... not really... so if your tires are slashed... I didn't do it... because I really do like you!

It is disappointing when adults act like the child. I would almost say it is an insult to children to liken bad adult behavior to them.

So today was one of disappointments.

But there is always tomorrow. Hopefully one can prayer... that is really what I need to do when I get so frustrated... prayer that God's in control. He is in control... I am thinking, even when it doesn't seem obvious.

God, please be in control.

Breakfast!

Trick or Treat...

123456

I am weird. I have this thing about random objects and numbers that line up.

I love slot machines. I love hoping, waiting and wishing for the 3 cherries to line up.

This is the odometer on my van. It is 10:15 p.m. on the highway... dark, late and a van full of tired kids. But I had to stop. It will never line up again as such... 123456 kilometers on my van!

Weird? O.K. my kids already told me. lol

Just In Case...

Max says, "Sammy, how come you have a marker in your pocket?"

Sammy replies, "In case someone asks for my autograph."

My Response...

My girlfriend, Shelley's comment to my "P is for Poop" was "How do you do it?"

My answer is "I just do it." There are many times I don't KNOW how I do it... but I have to so I do. Here's the truth... I love babies. I think I was addicted to them. Babies are easy. Actually babies are really easy. I remember people saying... "It only gets harder..."

I would want to hit them. Harder... but yup. Harder. But in a different way.

Today the boys were all home. No one was listening to me. Everyone seem to be picking on someone. Then I heard Sammy say to Zach, "You know "Billy" doesn't really like you."

This made me so mad. I hate meanness. I can handle the constant fighting, wrestling and dialogue about weird things like Poop. But I can not handle meanness.

Then I think, "I am so not cut out for this." What was I thinking? What made me think I could ever handle 6 boys much less be responsible for moulding them into fine young man.

(As I type, Sammy and Tyler are beating each other up. Something about breaking a deal...)

If I could have had a peek into my future... I would have had 2 kids. PERIOD. Or else, I am sure I would have gone screaming and running. ... if I had peeked into my future.

Really, life with my 6 boys is not easy. They are busy. That word doesn't even begin to define them.

They are assiduous, diligent, engaged, engrossed, bustling, energetic, fussy, hectic, restless, tireless, tiring, curious,inquisitive, aggressive, alert, animated, alive, dashing, bold, enthusiastic, fresh, perky, forceful, purposeful, sharp, determined, intrusive, snoopy, sloppy...

Of course I could go on. But ... yup... here is the but... if I had to pick one word to describe my sons... wow... the word that comes to mind is Gift. They are my gift from God. They are gifts that I can open every day and find something new. I may not always like the new I discover but it is never boring. My gifts, every day are always a surprise. And I get 6 gifts every single day.

And truth be told, yes, I love getting away. But then, after a day, usually 2... I am ready to get my gifts again.

Gifts can disappoint. Ever opened a present... and then had to scramble to fix your face... it was not what you thought? That happens alot. I look at one of my precious gifts, and then they open their mouth, and talk back or say something ugly. I am so disappointed. You can be sure I wish I could put it back into a box and mark.. "Return to sender." But apparently God said, "No trade backs."

Yet... there is another part to this... there is the side to each one that leaves me breathless with the ache of loving them so much. You know that ache? Sometimes I feel it when they are asleep beside me and their breathe is so sweet or with some... funky. Sometimes I feel it when we are in the car and they reach over and grab my hand. Sometimes I feel that ache when I watch them play. It is that ache that makes me keep trying to be the best I can be. It is that ache that begs my heavenly Father forgiveness for being a sucky mom today and begging Him to be the perfect mom tomorrow.

That ache that keeps me going. It is after a day like I had today... and they are asleep that I feel relief that I made it without hurting anyone. And yet, I have this anticipation that tomorrow will be better.

No, if I knew how crazy my life would be before I had or knew my children... I would be momma of 2 quiet, perfect children. But God obviously knew this. So... He gave me the love of babies... He gave me that spirit of not giving up... "I am sure the next one will be a girl..." until I had this crazy and yet amazing family of 6 boys. I am thinking and praying He knew that this was what I was meant to be... mom of 6 boys.

He knew that this way, I would have to turn to Him... every day, actually every hour. He knows that beginning and the end. I am OK with being mom to my six wonderful, yet drive me crazy boys because I know God has my back.

How do I do it? Sometimes moment by moment. Then when the house I still... I exhale. And count my blessings... all seven of them!

God, I am going to admit... boys are so weird. They are so loud, busy and different. Thank you for my gifts... all 6 beautiful gifts. Thank you for nighttime. Thank you for school. Thank you for hockey. Thank you for all that keeps them busy and happy. Thank you for my gifts.

Reasons To Not Skip Halloween

A boy needs to be his hero.

A boy needs to dress up or express himself.

A boy needs to live out his fantasy.

A boy needs to be a boy!

Not sure what the end result of Max's costume will be... but this is just a taste!

P in Poop!

I start this off with an audible sigh!

The day has been busy. 2:30 p.m. and we are off to pick up Sammy. We grab a snack to waste minutes till 4 p.m. when the older ones are dropped off at guitar. Tyler is down with the fever now. So he is skipping guitar and we are going to puttering around town till 5 p.m.

I went to Chapters... one of my favourite places... I love it there! It is minutes to 5 p.m. I have survived. We wait outside for Sammy and Jordan. It is 5:05 p.m. I realize that he is giving the boys an extra long lesson since Tyler is not there.

My head is pounding. The DVD in the van has quit working (for reasons only God knows). Josh has found Jordan's recorder. He is playing a happy tune. Only it is not making me happy. NOISE!!! Make it stop!

It's pizza for supper. I know, again. I really can't care about that now. My head is pounding. There is NOISE everywhere. I really hope that I don't have an aneurism.

Max is writing "poop" on the window that is fogging from all the talk.

Max ... "There is P(ee) in Poop."

Hysterical laughing. You know the kind, shoulders are shaking, tears are coming and Max is so impressed with himself.

Sammy... "Max, you should go as yourself for halloween!"

Max... "Yah, I know, I should."

I am smiling. They are so unique. Boys... the things that they laugh about.

It is 6:19 p.m. I won't lie. I am counting down. 7 p.m. and then they start to drop.

Then I am off to take Sammy to his 8:30 p.m. hockey practice.

Still wondering how I will manage Grey's tonight. I need my fix.

Life with Josh...

I am not sure I can write this to come across as to how funny it really was.

Josh had his ear drum repaired... as I have written already.

Sanj wanted to see how it was healing. He put Josh into the sound booth.

This is something he does how many times a day.

"Josh, I want you to repeat the word after I say it." Sanj instructs him.

Josh is busy touching things in booth. He is too comfortable.

Sanj... "Say ice cream..."

Josh... "Ice cream..."

Sanj... "Baseball..."

Josh... "What?"

Sanj... " Baseball..."

Josh... "What?:

At this point I am thinking... "Oh maybe he he has hearing loss."

Sanj... "Cowboy."

Josh... "What?"

Sanj... (visibly flustered) "Say cowboy..."

Josh... "OHHHHH Cowboy."

Sanj looks at me... "I have never had a patient like him."

The boys and I are laughing. Sanj kicks us out.

Josh is apparently within the normal hearing range.

As far as him being normal in other areas... hum... that is yet to be determined.

Yesterday I was sitting in my Archie Bunker chair, talking to Sanj and the phone. Josh is on my lap. All of a suddenly I scream in pain. I am not sure why I screamed... I look down and Josh was trying to see what would happen if he used the nail clippers on my knuckle.

Life with Josh... it is always an adventure.

What Do You Want to Be?

I am very tired today. I could have used a nap today. All the boys were home except Tyler. He HAD to go to school. Even when I begged him to just stay home. He never really seems to mind going to school. Maybe he loves school. Or maybe he just hates the lack of knowing what day at home holds. Maybe he loves the routine of school. Maybe he just loves school.

My three younger ones have become cling ons. For Josh, this is normal. Zach, not so much. So I actually enjoyed it. Max? He has been fighting for his spot beside me.

As soon as I sit, from doing the dishes or what ever... bam... I immediately attract three little bodies... almost simultaneously. I am almost attacked.

I am not looking forward to Sanj being gone. Usually I don't mind the break. I take the pressure off myself of being the perfect wife... for a few days. lol

Maybe because I am not feeling 100%. Maybe because I hate the responsibility of knowing there is hockey. Maybe because I feel the pressure of Halloween. Maybe because I just going to miss him.

He doesn't have trouble sleeping with out me. He doesn't have trouble sleeping. He doesn't mind being alone. He likes it at times. I hate it. I hate sleeping alone. I will have most of the boys on the bed somewhere while he is gone.

I think I have to take Max in tomorrow to have his lungs listened to. He is sounding horrible.

The boys (well except Sammy) have the next two days off school. Usually I would have something planned. But I think we are just going to lay low. It is a busy enough weekend with Halloween and Hockey.

I am not a huge halloween fan. When the boys were little I loved it. I loved the hunt for the perfect costume. Now as they get older... it is more of a nuisance. Josh wants to be a Clone from Star Wars. Zach doesn't know what he wants to be. See what I mean?

I am going as a Tree Hugger. lol

I am off to bed. Gotta get up my strength to keep up with the troops tomorrow.

Good Night.

Scared?

Here's the thing... it is hard not to be a hypochondriac in this day!

H1N1... do my kids have it? There are so many misconceptions of it. It is scaring everyone silly.

The story of the little hockey player who died of it... it is stories like this that help with the panic.

Saturday... Zach is up and ready to play hockey. He is so excited. I watched him get all his equipment on. I loved watching his zest for life. He played. Had a great time. He gets in the car... and for whatever reason I feel him... he is burning up.

Just like that. He wasn't sick as he was dressing. I would have picked it up. I was right beside him. Then you read this story. Hockey and H1N1 and the death shouldn't be tied together. The boy sadly died of the H1N1. Hockey was a side line.

I hesitate to take my kids in... usually knowing it will be viral and there will be nothing that can be done. I took Josh in yesterday. Honestly... I was a little panic. He is so little. He is burning up for so many days in a row. He is so still. What if? He ends up having pneumonia.

Then I wonder what about the other two? How will I know if they have pneumonia?

Then there is me. As I understand it, H1N1 symptoms are fever, cough, headaches, much like the flu bug... but what set's it apart is the respiratory distress. I have not been feeling well for a week. But I feel now like I have a low grade fever, still a headache and today.... my chest feels a bit full. I call my doc. As I repeat how I am feeling, she says you have the symptoms for H1N1. They can't see me till Thursday. I am to give them a call and see how I feel by then.

Now as I am driving home, I feel wheezy. I can feel it. I feel asthmatic. Oh my gosh... I am gonna die?

See what I mean? Panic. I call Sanj. He leaves on Thursday for Florida.

Can I wait till Thursday to see my doctor? Sanj is calm. "Try you puffer," he tells me.

He doesn't seem to worried. So I am going to be fine. If any one should worry, it would be him. Right? He would have to father and MOTHER his 6 sons if I am taken away.

Breathe. I am crazy. Yah. I know.

Closed @ 8 p.m....

I just got a note on Facebook from a girlfriend.

She moved. I miss her. We are both busy. Life.

Yet I have this thing... maybe I am weird but...

I find it so much easier to write a quick note (one of the things I love about Facebook) and say hey than picking up the phone. I am so glad she is on Facebook. We can be friend again. Just Kidding...

I hate talking on the phone once the kids are home from school. There are too many distractions.

There is so much that is needing me. Being on the phone... I love chatting... but then I don't get done all I need to get done.

Sanj doesn't understand why I will say, "Don't answer it... let the machine pick up."

It isn't personal. It really isn't. I can chat with you in the morning while my babes are at school. I can chat in the car while in route to picking them up (hands free, of course... lol). And if you really need me... I'm there.

By 8 p.m. I am done. It is when I begin to shut the real world down. I will chat on Facebook, write emails but my voice is done.

Is this weird?

Honey & Cinnamon

This is an email that my mom forwards and my mother-in-law loves to tell about. This is the kind of email that makes Sanj nuts... especially the last one.

Honey & Cinnamon

Honey is the only food on the planet that will not spoil or rot. It will do what some call turning to sugar. In reality honey is always honey. However, when left in a cool dark place for a long time it will do what I rather call "crystallizing."

When this happens I loosen the lid, boil some water, and sit the honey container in the hot water, Move the pan off the heat and let it liquefy. It is then as good as it ever was.

Never boil honey or put it in a microwave. To do so will kill the enzymes in the honey.

Bet the drug companies won't like this one getting around.

Facts on Honey and Cinnamon:

It is found that a mixture of honey and Cinnamon cures most diseases.

Honey is produced in most of the countries of the world. Scientists of today also accept honey as a "Ram Ban" (very effective) medicine for all kinds of diseases. Honey can be used without any side effects for any kind of diseases.

Today's science says that even though honey is sweet, if taken in the right dosage as a medicine, it does not harm diabetic patients.

Weekly World News, a magazine in Canada , in its issue dated 17 January 1995, has given the following list of diseases that can be cured by honey and cinnamon as researched by western scientists:

• HEART DISEASES: Make a paste of honey and cinnamon powder, apply on bread, instead of jelly and jam, and eat it regularly for breakfast. It reduces the cholesterol in the arteries and saves the patient from heart attack.

Also, those who have already had an attack, if they do this process daily, they are kept miles away from the next attack. Regular use of the above process relieves loss of breath and strengthens the heart beat.

In America and Canada , various nursing homes have treated patients successfully and have found that as you age, the arteries and veins lose their flexibility and get clogged; honey and cinnamon revitalize the arteries and veins.

• ARTHRITIS: Arthritis patients may take daily, morning and night, one cup of hot water with two spoons of honey and one small teaspoon of cinnamon powder. If taken regularly even chronic arthritis can be cured. In a recent research conducted at the Copenhagen University, it was found that when the doctors treated their patients with a mixture of one tablespoon Honey and half teaspoon Cinnamon powder before breakfast, they found that within a week, out of the 200 people so treated, practically 73 patients were totally relieved of pain, and within a month, mostly all the patients who could not walk or move around because of arthritis started walking without pain

• BLADDER INFECTIONS: Take two tablespoons of cinnamon powder and one teaspoon of honey in a glass of lukewarm water and drink it. It destroys the germs in the bladder.

• CHOLESTEROL: Two tablespoons of honey and three teaspoons of Cinnamon Powder mixed in 16 ounces of tea water, given to a cholesterol patient, was found to reduce the level of cholesterol in the blood by 10 percent within two hours.

As mentioned for arthritic patients, if taken three times a day, any chronic cholesterol is cured. According to information received in the said Journal, pure honey taken with food daily relieves complaints of cholesterol..

• COLDS: Those suffering from common or severe colds should take one tablespoon lukewarm honey with ¼ spoon cinnamon powder daily for three days. This process will cure most chronic cough, cold, and clear the sinuses.

• UPSET STOMACH: Honey taken with cinnamon powder cures stomach ache and also clears stomach ulcers from the root.

• GAS: According to the studies done in India and Japan , it is revealed that if Honey is taken with cinnamon powder the stomach is relieved of gas.

• IMMUNE SYSTEM: Daily use of honey and cinnamon powder strengthens the immune system and protects the body from bacterial and viral attacks. Scientists have found that honey has various vitamins and iron in large amounts. Constant use of Honey strengthens the white blood corpuscles to fight bacterial and viral diseases.

• INDIGESTION: Cinnamon powder sprinkled on two tablespoons of honey taken before food relieves acidity and digests the heaviest of meals.

• INFLUENZA: A scientist in Spain has proved that honey contains a "natural ingredient" which kills the influenza germs and saves the patient from flu.

• LONGEVITY: Tea made with honey and cinnamon powder, when taken regularly, arrests the ravages of old age. Take four spoons of honey, one spoon of cinnamon powder, and three cups of water and boil to make like tea. Drink ¼ cup, three to four times a day. It keeps the skin fresh and soft and arrests old age. Life spans also increase and even a 100 year old, starts performing the chores of a 20-year-old.

• PIMPLES: Three tablespoons of honey and one teaspoon of cinnamon powder paste. Apply this paste on the pimples before sleeping and wash it next morning with warm water. If done daily for two weeks, it removes pimples from the root.

• SKIN INFECTIONS: Applying honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts on the affected parts cures eczema, ringworm and all types of skin infections.

• WEIGHT LOSS: Daily in the morning one half hour before breakfast on an empty stomach, and at night before sleeping, drink honey and cinnamon powder boiled in one cup of water. If taken regularly, it reduces the weight of even the most obese person. Also, drinking this mixture regularly does not allow the fat to accumulate in the body even though the person may eat ahigh calorie diet.

•20CANCER: Recent research in Japan and Australia has revealed that advanced cancer of the stomach and bones have been cured successfully. Patients suffering from these kinds of cancer should daily take one tablespoon of honey with one teaspoon of cinnamon powder for one month three times a day.

• FATIGUE: Recent studies have shown that the sugar content of honey is more helpful rather than being detrimental to the strength of the body. Senior citizens, who take honey and cinnamon powder in equal parts, are more alert and flexible. Dr. Milton, who has done research, says that a half tablespoon of honey taken in a glass of water and sprinkled with cinnamon powder, taken daily after brushing and in the afternoon at about 3:00 PM, when the vitality of the body starts to decrease, increases the vitality of the body within a week.

=E 2 BAD BREATH: People of South America , first thing in the morning, gargle with one teaspoon of honey and cinnamon powder mixed in hot water, so their breath stays fresh throughout the day.

• HEARING LOSS: Daily morning and night honey and cinnamon powder, taken in equal parts restores hearing. Remember when we were kids? We had toast with real butter and cinnamon sprinkled on it!

You might want to share this information with a friend and loved ones. Everyone needs healthy help information ~ what they do with it is up to them ~ share with your email buddies!!!

I Love...

I am laying here, appreciating the fact that 4 of my boys are crowded on my bed, without fighting for spots, watching a movie.

I am thinking of things I love... simply things, silly things...

... I LOVE pizza crust. I actually love it more than pizza!

... I love my bed... hanging out with the boys and Sanj, reading or fiddling on my laptop.

... OK... I do love my laptop... but I know I have said that many a time.

... I love a great movie.

... I love freshly cut finger nails. (Weird, I know).

... I love the smell of rain.

... I love waking up at night and seeing it is only 1:30 a.m. knowing I can sleep again.

... I love long weekends.

... I love road trips... I loved the ones when we were little... no seat belts... making a bed in the back of the station wagon, seat down... one of the most comfy places... wind blowing.... I wish I could go back for a visit!

... I love going barefoot. I hate shoes. This is why I am still flopping around in my Pumas... because I am so dreading that hunt for comfy shoes.

... I love when the house is peaceful. This does not mean quiet. It means everyone is at peace with themselves and each other.

... I love the perfect picture. I have yet to find one of me taken in the last year or so...

... I love energy. You know, when you feel so motivated to do something... even laundry... and it isn't a chore because you are energized.

... I love peanut butter and chocolate. Really... that is perfection!

... I love Olive Gardens. (Boy I sure miss it)! Road Trip?!!!!

... I love the perfect pen!

... I love practicing my handwriting... even just the ABC's

... I love coloring... I really should do this more... It is calming.

... I love crazy ideas or myths that are real... i.e. Vicks on the bottom of your feet stops a cough!

... I love listening to my boys play the guitar... they are in a zone!

... I love watching the boys play with their action figures. I love listening to the conversation.

Josh's voice always goes up an octave!

... I love paper plates.

... I love the perfect white shirt.

... I love holding hands.

... I love feeling full... of love and blessings.

...

My Feet...

I am having my very own pity party. I am on day #4 of feeling horrible. I actually feel like I am getting it (the flu) all over again. Fever and headache and 4 sick kids.

Moms can't really be sick even when they are sick... right. Besides, I am tired of needing to be in bed.

Whine Whine... I know I just need some cheese.

This morning, we went to go and bring Bo and Bella home. Zachary and Josh love them so much. Of course all the boys all them but these two have an extra special attachment.

As I was walking into the vet, half of us looking like hobos ( and me so not caring), I couldn't help notice my feet. Yes, I am still wearing my flip flops. I have my dad's feet. Weird that this is my thought as I am walking up the path.

Feet... my dad had/has very bad feet. I am not sure what his issues were but I could always remember that his feet burned. He always shook his feet, even in bed. The funny thing is so do I. My feet are constantly shaking... it is what I do. Hyperness, more than likely for me.

My feet are copy cats of my father. So often you hear a person trying to fill someone's shoes... or you hear "they have big feet to fill." I guess I spent so much of my life trying to be anything like my dad.

Yet, here is a characteristic that I can't get away from... I have his feet.

It isn't a bad thing. I wonder what else I have of his? I am sure if I looked past all my walls, I would see a few more good things.

I know that he loves God. It is twisted... but the core of him really loves his God. I give my dad credit for instilling that in me... well he can have some of that credit.

He is creative. I get that from him. I wish he had really been able to tap into his creativity. He would have been so successful. He was great at play (when he played), he was great at homework projects, he was creative even in his crookedness.

He had a generous heart. Both my parents did. They would help others even when they really needed the help themselves.

My dad has a loving side to him. As I am typing, I closed my eyes to see what I could capture... I loved laying in my parents bed on a weekend, beside my dad. If I was lucky, he would hold me.

I loved that. I loved holding his hand. I loved when he smiled at me. I wish that thing that locked it all away, could have released him of his demons so he was able to love us as he could have.

We both love to shop/hang out at Office Depot. Seriously... if I have Sanj's business card and need to pick up supplies for his office... it's like Christmas. I love getting new pens, notebooks, highlighters, all sorts of do dads! I have always loved and begged Sanj to get a color photocopier for the office. Needless to say, he has seen the ridiculousness that my dad does on a copier with a photo... and I think is scared!

His temper... well I don't have to tell about that... lol but I get that from him too. I can get really ugly. I can be really mean. I mean, really mean. Ugh. It isn't a nice side and one that I do try to keep under control ...

I have my dad's feet. I have a lot of my dad in me. What a thought.

Enough Already!

OK... I am not sure what I was smoking when I typed my last blog. Obviously I haven't been sick for a LONG time. Enough already. I am ready to feel better. I have had fever, headaches, runny nose, hot and cold flashes.... and I am ready for it to all stop.

I am missing life. This morning I missed breakfast with some moms.... :(

Life is going on without me. Tonight, at the school, there is a family fun(d) night.

Games, basketball, a movie for the kiddies... snacks... even a dessert that will be in a silent auction. This is happening without ME! :( I hate missing out!

I am so bummed. Josh is pretty sick too. He was burning up. His temps just spike and it is so scary. But he is such a good sick boy. He never complains. He plays beside me and snuggles when he needs to.

I have Jordan home today, too. No fever, just not feeling well. He is not a very good sick child. That is an understatement. He complains, moans and groans constantly. Actually he does this every morning. He is not a morning person. So EVERY morning... and I do mean EVERY morning... he is sick. He is so convincing. Last year he had many a sick day. This year my rule is if you don't have a fever or aren't throwing up... then suck it up. Usually once he is ready and downstairs... he is back to being himself. So I put it all on not being a morning person.

Sanj has kept his distance... not wanting to get sick. For his sake, I hope he doesn't.

Sunday I am off to my first class... in how many years... OK it is just one class... all day (that part has me stressed out a bit, especially with my ADD personality). But I am looking forward to it.

It is a Digital Photography class... thanks to a couple of my girlfriends...

So... I hope I am at 85% better.

Last night as I was feeling my worst, I had to take the dogs in to get spade and neutered. (Sanj was at hockey with Jordan... who scored a goal... yahoo!)

The boys went with me to drop the dogs off. There in the waiting room was a family, crying and obviously very sad. This was very disturbing to the boys. I think their family dog was either there to be put down or was badly hurt and they were obviously distressed.

Josh was not to impressed to leave Bo and Bella there. But they get picked up tomorrow morning. And then the battle will be to keep them still!

I really have nothing much to say... just wanted to write. Happy weekend.

Official Diagnosis

I am officially sick. It feels good to have a reason to just be still. Sanj is cleaning a poopy bum ( that shouldn't be poopy of course). Sammy is hopefully tiding the kitchen. Jordan is switching the laundry around. Max is doing little errands. Zach is trying to decide if he wants to kiss me... and get sick.

Tyler is off at Youth Group.

Sick. It feels good to be sick... well good to skip all the evening madness and just let it go. It will be there tomorrow.

I know this is weird to even type this... but I love being in bed with my boys when they are sick. I love the hotness of their bodies as they try to fight off the bad bugs. I love that they are so still and needing the loving, craving the loving. Of course I wish them well after about 5 minutes of snuggles... because life is too quiet and so not normal to have my busy, active, non-stopping boys stay so still.

Night World... Hopefully tomorrow morning all, especially me will be well.

Hiding Out!

It's 4:28 p.m. on Wednesday evening. I want nothing more than to dive under my blankets, block out any sounds, eat a Reese Cup Blizzard (which I am swearing off till I don't know when...) maybe some of my mom's chicken curry and drift away.

I am tired. I am fighting off something... and seem to be losing at the moment.

I went into the office today and got my first office related injury. My pinkie has a sore spot that keeps hitting when I am filing... yuck. No one in this office seems to like filing. Since it is an obvious job needing to be done without any instruction... it seems to call my name.

Thus my poor pinkie. There are very rude, demanding and ungrateful people in this world. My husband seems to attract his share of these people. There is such an air of entitlement... and what amazes me is the folks that don't think they have to pay for the serves that are provided for them. What planet do you live in?

Then there are the sweetest ones that walk in the door. There was a old man, quite old, wheeling his wife who was quite old too... He was so gentle and kind to her. Apparently he takes her everywhere he goes, despite the fact that she needs so much help. His adoration is so obvious and beautiful. What a love story.

I had lunch with a friend... not enough time to do that in my schedule... it seems. Then it was time to pick up Sammy. When asked how his day was, he replied, "We saw a movie of a baby coming out. It was weird. And a long movie!"

We did that once... I had Sanj video tape Zach's birth so I could see it later. We always video taped it but from the side view. This was a rated version.

We showed it to the boys shortly after... to explain babies... and they were young enough to not make weird. They were fascinated with watching. After it was over, they yelled, "can we watch it again? Rewind it!" Not sure who had the control... but they did just that.

Ouch... it was painful to watch ... instead of Zach coming out, soon he was being pushed back in.

As I hollered my discomfort, the funnier it became! Soon that was more entertainment itself!

I guess I should come out of my hiding spot... every mom needs one... and get the show on the road. Chili tonight. Then homework... then bed. Can't wait!

I AM... Yesterday, Today and Tomorrow!

OK...this is my last blog for tonight... I did say I had a lot running through my head. I just didn't have time to write it all in one blog... and it would seem too crazy a blog... butt bumping, church issues and finding some answers.

Today, as I said, I went to church... begrudgingly. As I walked in, I had this passing thought, maybe Ray (Hendriks, our former principal) will be speaking. Sure enough, it was my lucky day.

I was thinking of men that I can see God through. There are not many men (maybe a father figure type) that I see that in... but in the last years, I can name a couple that I admire and see as Godly men.

This does not mean they are perfect. I have no unrealistic notions of their perfections. I just see wisdom and God's love that comes through them.

Ray is one of these men. I used to love going to him with my issues and concerns, nervous... and leave his office totally at ease and usually with my heart full of good thoughts.

Today he preached about God's name. He was talking about Moses and the burning bush...about God calling Moses to be used to free His people. God says "when the people ask who sent you... I am who I am sent me.

I am... He is unchanging, unending, constant and forever.

How I needed to hear that today. I have a Father who is a constant. I so often focus on my earthly father's lack of presence in my life that I forget...

"I have a God who speaks out of a burning bush!!!" I am not alone.

This is some of Ray's message... but this is the message that I so needed today!

Ray was speaking of being overwhelmed at times by the demands of a week... and then he was reminded that God promised to "Walk this journey with you."

I was feeling overwhelmed by the thought of parenting these 6 sons of mine. WHO AM I TO DO THIS? WHO AM I TO KNOW THE WAYS TO REACH AND YET DISCIPLINE MY CHILD? Today... I realized that I am not in this journey alone!!! Thank you,God! Please help me.

I was feeling the burden of my bad and unhealthy eating habits... and watching my children learning and struggling with this too. I was feeling the burden of lack self control and wondering how I will teach this to my children? Today... I realized that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you, God. Please help me.

I was really struggling with helping my son with his struggle with reading. I suck at this. It was my struggle. I don't know the answers. And yet, I know that this is a key year. I know that I have to help him conquer this struggle so that he finds success. I feel panicked. Today... I realized that I am not alone in this journey. Thank you, God. Please help me help my boy.

I never really got the fullness of the name... till today. I am ... He is ...He really is... NOW and Tomorrow. He is there for me. I always got it... but today I got it!

I am not alone. Now... for me to not forget this... For me to remember to just call out. I always wished I had a dad I could phone and say, "Daddy... I need help." I never had that. But then again... I always did.

This was church today. It was good. I met God there today.

Butt Bumping...

Tyler is lying down beside me, feeling hot from a fever. My body feels like it is catching what he is fighting off.

Today, in church, during the time we are suppose to meet and greet, I turned around and naturally begin to shake the people's hands behind me. One lady doesn't reach out her hand and says something along the lines of just greeting instead of shaking hands due to the H1N1 fear.

I was a bit taken back. Wow. I am such a touchy kind of girl, I was not sure what to say.

Of course I understand. But I was still feeling a little ripped off.

Maybe we should bump butts instead! Forget shaking hands.. It takes "Nice to bump into you" to a whole new level!

Sad. Worrisome. The boys hockey teams are making efforts of water bottles with names on it and disinfecting etc.

H1N1... 80 people in Canada have died of this. It really is no joking matter...

so here is to Butt Bumping... and Hand Washing...

Here's to hoping that my babes can fight off the flu symptoms going around...

Maybe that is an idea for Halloween... handing out little bottles of hand sanitizer.

My Journey!

I have so much to say. I feel so full of stuff... kind of like I am going to burst from too much stuff!

I don't even know where to begin... it is morning... Sunday morning. Tyler asks are we going to church?

I have blogged many a time of my struggle with church. Yet here is my child wanting to go to church. We go. One child couldn't find his pant... but not too much drama.

Then Sammy starts. I told him he is off his phone till he (like the rest of his brothers learns how to live in our house ... keeping it tidy etc). He is mad.

We go to church, everyone gets out and goes in, except Sammy. (Sanj and Zach are else where).

I sit through the service ... waiting for Sammy to show up. It never happened. I am so tired of his constant woe is me. He makes his life so hard!!!

I told him that his little stunt keeps him from any extracurriculars till the end of the month. It wasn't intentional but then I realized this includes Halloween. (How come I care so much???)

Back to church... men have been an issue in my life. From the beginning... they have let me down... it started with my dad. When it begins with your dad... you begin at a young age to look for replacements... for me, it was Pastors.

This isn't a slam on pastors, as they are human. It is a reminder that no one should be God or put themselves in the position of being all to someone. My journey lead to be very hurt by men in my life. I often wondered why I needed that male figure in my life so badly.

Church is like taking a lemon and rubbing it on my wound. I wish so badly it wasn't ... I wish for those days where I woke up and knew it was Sabbath and couldn't wait to go to church.

Nowadays, I know people wonder... people even ask... yet I really don't think that whether a person goes to church or not is a reflection of their relationship with God. Actually I know it is not.

I was one of those judgers... you know, judging other families as I watched them not following the stereotype of what a Christian family is... Shame on them!!! And I would feel so good that I was in church... Being a good christian... or so I thought.

It is all a journey. It is one that I am on... Only God knows my heart and hurts. Only God knows how I forgive yet can't forget. Only God knows how much I want to be good and pure and yet am haunted by my sins.

So through this journey of being a Child of God, I keep stumbling and He keeps picking me up.

He keeps encouraging me, like He did today! He keeps reminding me that I am NOT alone. I CAN only do all things With Christ by my side.

A Little R & R

I am trying to start a new book. I went to Chapters to add to the pile of books I intend on reading... but I hate starting a new book!

It's almost like looking for a new friend. You have to go through the introductions, as you meet the characters... I am not sure if they are worth my time and energy to get involved... as my time is limited. I hate books that end up being a waste of time.

I stopped reading John Grisham because after some great books, I felt like he was just writing them and putting them out and they were stupid. It made me feel so let down.

So I ended my relationship with him... as I felt he betrayed me. lol

So, it is Saturday night and I am in bed... yes it is 6:53 p.m. 3 of my boys are snuggling with me... Sanj is trying to get his studying done and then is off to hockey. The older boys are going to watch a movie, I think.

I am not sure if I will start a book or watch "The Proposal." I loved that movie.

It was a busy day... full of hockey. New teams, some new teammates, meeting coaches and just getting back into equipment and skates.

The boys are in heaven. Sanj is coaching 3 of the boys. Sammy and Tyler are on the same team this year... so that helps. Jordan's coach ditched them with out notice... leaving them hanging... the league called Sanj on Thanksgiving... desperately looking for a coach.

Can I tell you about my husband... he is such a craZy guy. I don't even know how he functions.

This week I don't think he came home before 10 p.m. One night it was a refresher course for coaching, another night was hockey and then a meeting for the school...

Friday night he didn't get home till 11 p.m. again. Hockey.... and he is such an amazing coach. He loves the game, himself, so he studies drills and things to make practice a learning experience. He is patient and encouraging. He is so dedicated to everything he does.

He is a student... that excels... this section he has to take 2 classes. Another couple of nights of the week that he is busy rather than resting. OK.. really he doesn't know how to rest.

Tonight, after a busy day, instead of chilling, he will don on all the paraphernalia required and go to his hockey game.

I love him. He is such a dedicated man. I am so glad he is dedicated to me and my boys!

So... I am off to relax myself, in my style, with a book or movie.

I hope your night is a restful one too.

30 Something...

So you remember that show? I used to watch an occasional episode when I was in my 20s.

I never really understood it.

I am 40+ now and look back at the last 10 years and realize that it was hard.

I was talking to my girlfriend and as we chatted, I realized that as I was going through my 30s, they were lonely. What I mean by that is I had my friends and life was good. But we never really chatted about the nitty gritty of it all.

I never realized that many women struggle with non ending demands of motherhood... babies, toddlers, meals, laundry, work and juggling all that with being all you think you should be for your husband.

Sex. Really... it is OK to not want it or need it. There are too many things DRAINING you. It is normal. This always worried me. It is such a key to a happy marriage... it is a necessity... the key is finding a happy medium.

Men are so different. Sex revitalizes them. They need it in a different way then women do.

I was always wondering what happened to my sex drive... um... it became buried under piles of diapers, meals, laundry and life.

My early 30s were me learning who I was meant to be. It was understanding and figuring out the balance that worked for us as far as the in-laws and my own family. It was me defining or trying so hard to define me despite being mommy and wife and 101 other roles.

It was redefining or maybe defining marriage and what works for both of us. It was about finding balance and not losing each other in the piles...

Wow. It was hard work. It was full of memories... of baby making, baby raising and surviving babyhood. Surviving is not a bad thing. I didn't realize that I was just trying to survive because while in that moment... I loved it!

But as the later 30s came, I realized that I had been lost. All the roles were demanding and draining and of course full of lots of love and loving. But really it is OK, I think, for us as moms to say... it's hard. Very hard.

I am not sure that the dads always get it. And that is just because they are made differently. Why would God create moms X2?

As I came out of my 30s, I think would have made it easier is knowing... really knowing that this is hard, it can be lonely, and all encompassing. It may not be about you very often.

But ... it is so worth it and it is a phase.

40s... as I embrace it... I am loving it. Babies... are done. (sniff sniff) But this new phase of everyone buckling themselves in the van, putting shoes on, simply telling them, (yes nagging them) to do things, is different than always doing it for them.

I love that the needing is still there, very much so, but it is different. It is fulfilling. It is rewarding in different ways. And now... there is me. I see myself despite the piles.

I see me. I can find me. Sometimes I am not sure what to do with me that I see.

It is exciting to have moments to think... what do I want?

I am writing because I just want to encourage those in the 30 Something. It is an amazing time. It is a special time. Enjoy it. Yet when you get lost in the piles... know that this to shall pass. It is a phase. You are awesome. Just hang tight and enjoy the ride.

8 :29 p.m.

With the grounding of no T.V. and computer, I must say the house is pretty quiet. In the background, is a chirping fire alarm that is too high for us to reach. It is at the highest point of our vaulted ceiling... so we need to go and buy a very tall ladder.

Sanj is still off at hockey with Jordan at this point and Sammy is off at a Petes hockey game.

The house got tidied pretty quickly with my nagging. How much I hate that sound ... me nagging.

I feel as if I am at a good place with Sammy... we understand each other. It is all good... with its moments that of course exhaust me but ... it is all good for now.

Tyler has taken over with the raging teen attitude and issues.

Tyler, my child that has always been thoughtful, unselfish and can't help but listen to his conscience.

Moody and broody have taken over. Lord, have mercy on me! He is constantly needing to be able to go somewhere, obsessing about the next event in his life... and needs an answer right now.

Guess he forgot about the promise he made to me about not being a crazy teenager.

He wants to see the movie "The Art of Lying." Has anyone seen it? Is it appropriate?

This is what I am trying to figure out. It is disturbing that not all parents worry about what they chose to see. It may be totally fine... but I wish there wasn't the need to grow up so fast.

Funny enough, his moods don't throw my world off kilter. I find I am more relaxed and not too stressed if he hates me. I know he will get over it.

Poor guy. Life is a lot harder for him. He worries and stresses. He always had. I think that high school is a huge stress, already. Most of his classmates are going to a different high school than Sammy is.

Oye. So much to think about.

Hockey began tonight. Max had a great time. Once it all settles into routine, it will be fine. I just get thrown into a state of discombobulation when the call comes the night before and there is a game.

If women were organizing this whole league... it would be so different!

At least I think so!

House Work Should Be a 4 Letter Word!

Argggggggggggggggggggggg! I was never one to be overwhelmed. Never. My plate was always really full and I thrived on it.

Today, my doctor appointment was cancelled which meant I have 2 hours to come home and tackle this disaster zone. I am paralyzed with the inability to move. I keep looking at the clothes to fold, dishes to put away, floor that REALLY needs to be mopped, and it goes on.

So I come and sit at the computer. I hate housework. I hate the constant-ness of house work.

On the way to school, I grounded the boys off the computer till further notice.

There is no need for me to go off on a tangent of make your bed, pick up your clothes, tidy your room, put something back after you use it...

So, no computer. Hit them where it hurts to get results, isn't that what they say?

Then hockey begins with a vengeance.

5:30 p.m. my Max has his first game. So we are all going.

7:30 p.m. my Jordan has a practice... Sanj is coaching and Sammy is at the Pete's game.

(Don't forget Grey's is on...)

Tomorrow night... Jordan had his first game and Max has one too.

Of course this is after Sanj and Tyler's jiu jitsu .

Breathe.

This is only the beginning.

There is homework, spelling, MV, reading, a tree project to finish up...

I better cancel guitar tonight. Oh and Tyler is trying out for volleyball after school... Lord help me. Last year he had a major meltdown after it. Maybe volleyball is not his thing!

We shall see!

Ok...house... here I come!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

I had an interesting conversation with my sister-in-law this weekend.

We were chatting about her job (she is an architect) and has been discontent with her job for a while. So we often chat about what she can do to cure her discontentment.

This leads to what we want to be when we grow up... conversations.

She loves research and would love to do something in this field... she actually said a librarian.

This made me gasp, as it was something I did to work my way through university. But things have changed since days of books and researching, pulling books off shelves, leaving them there for someone like me to come and put them back in their rightful place.

But my sister-in-law would love this as now-a-day things are different. There is all sorts of research needs out there.

This led me to what I want to be when I grow up... since I have blogged this before... it would be along the lines of writing and photograph.

What is interesting to me is as we looked back... I did this constantly. My university days are documented with 1000s of pictures I took with my little camera. I was always taking pictures yet never thought anything about it.

I also wrote all the time. I wrote about my day... I wrote in my journal for years... I wrote about my latest crush, where I saw him, if I passed him on the sidewalk, did we make eye contact... oye, it went on and on.

The point being I have always written.

I have always had these passions but never thought twice about it.

I suppose I never really gave it much thought as 20 years ago teachers, nurses, doctors, pastor, accountants, business were all the degrees that parents encouraged.

Especially coming from immigrant parents, they kind of stuck and encouraged the basics.

I started off with business... but my first accounting class almost put me in a coma from the boredom of it....

Ever since I was little I always thought I wanted to be a teacher. So, this is where I went naturally when business proved to be a bomb. I loved the classes and suddenly my GPA rose as my interest did.

But I think my teaching degree was a means to an end. I had to graduate with something. I had to have a career... but looking back... I was really more interested in my MRS degree. I wanted nothing more than to be mom. The career was a back-up.

Now? Who wouldn't love a job traveling around the world capturing life? A job with Life or National Geographic? Well it isn't the kind of job that can be meshed in nicely with being mommy.

Regrets? No. I just wish I saw my true passions so that I could have capitalized on them more while I have the chance.

This brings me to my boys. How do I guide them to find their true passions? When you are starting university, you are still so YOUNG to make that lifetime choice of your career!

I want my boys to be able to see outside the box if that is where their passion is.

Sammy would love to design... whether it is golf courses or cars... at this moment design is a love as is computers.

Tyler... I am not sure... still. He doesn't have a true love yet... I'll have to ask Sanj about what he sees here. He has passions... golf is his first love... but I think that changes with the season ... to hockey.

Jordan is the artist. I love watching him teach himself to draw. He loves drawing cars, super heros, action figures and people. Sponge Bob is one that he has mastered.

Max... he loves clothes... loves himself... I love watching him check himself out. Maybe he will be interested in modeling... lol

Zachary is a hard worker. He still maintains that he want to be a police man. He is mechanically savvy. He sees how things work and can fix something or explain a function that is lost to us.

Josh... he's 4. He is just mama's boy... for now.

I want to expose my children to various things so they get the opportunity to fiddle in areas that may be their thing... but they would never have know until they had a chance to dabble in it.

I also realize that what you want to be "when you grow up" is something that changes as you change. Not everyone has the chance to change careers but everyone can have a chance to find themselves in the life outside of work.

BZZZZZZZZZZZ...

The dogs are in training. Invisible Fencing Training.

They are smart. They got shocked once. That is all it took.

Hummmm... I wonder if I am on to something.

Collars... names on them... Sammy, Tyler, Jordan, Max, Zach and Josh...

Oops... Towels are left on the floor... BZZZZZZZZZZZ...

Oops... Clothes on the floor... BZZZZ BZZZZZZZ...

Dishes not picked up... BZZZZZZZZZZ...

Talking back??? BZZZZZZZ...

Wonder how long the training would take?

Maybe I could use it too... chocolate... bzzzz... bad carbs... bzzzz...

Ah... the potential!

Reality Check...

Today I dropped by the school to take care of a few things. As I was walking out of the office, I see Josh standing against the wall with his teacher talking to him.

He sees me. Darn. He is not behaving... he is waiting for his teacher to take off his boots, jacket etc., when he can do so himself.

He sees me and the tears come. How that broke my heart yet I knew to leave and let his teacher deal with him.

My stomach was churning. I never have left him crying. Maybe there in lies the problem.

As I was retelling the story to Sanj, he just looks at me.

"He is a spoiled brat, isn't he?" I ask.

My husband just nods and smiles.

This child is loved so much by his family. He is doted on by all. He knows he has everyone wrapped around his fingers.

But in the real world there are certain realities that he has to discover.

It is not all about him.

Sigh. I am still trying to learn that myself.

HD View of My Life..

I picked up my new glasses from Costco today. I put them on and suddenly saw the world in a different light.

My last pair of lenses were a mess as the coating was coming off and so seeing clearly was not an option.

I remember when Sanj bought our first HD TV. I was impressed with the difference.

WOW! As I put my new glasses on, I realized that I am now seeing the world in HD!

I decided to pay the extra $50 dollars for the higher density lens... simply worried about the thickness that may be there if I when with the medium lens.

Wow, definitely worth the $50.

I feel like a brand new person!

A Little Blurry... But Its Us!

Just Catching Up!

It was Turkey Day yesterday. Busy. Lots of cooking... family... cousins playing... catching up with my sister-in-law... reflecting on all there is to be thankful about.

This year as we went about the table doing the traditional "What are you grateful for..." I noticed that answered prayers was a theme that was present. I love it.

Thank you God, for making yourself so real!

My brother is coming for American Thanksgiving, so we get to do it all again! :) My kids love this! 2 Thanksgivings!

It was hard getting everyone back at it today. Everyone was tired after having too much fun!

We had gone to friend's house for supper, enjoyed the lovely fall by going on a walk and hanging it.

I was hoping for a Leaf Day (ya know, instead of a snow day... haha).

The younger 4 boys and I went off to the Norwood Fair yesterday morning. OK, it was cold.

Brrrr... but it was a lot of fun! This was Josh's first fair. He was pretty taken by the whole thing. When we were in the poultry barn, he walked around imitating one of his brothers... "I ate your cousin!" lol

I love going to the fair. I am fascinated by watching the Fair People. They are almost like Circus People. What a life they must lead.

Halloween is next! This year Sanj is gone to a conference. Who plans these things? And Hockey schedules? Honestly! Thankfully the church is having a Halloween Bash of sorts... so we can stay warm and be in one area.

Then Christmas! Our Fundraising committee (which I am a part of ... yah!) is having a FUNdraiser with a trip to Vaughn Mills Mall (a really mall in the Toronto area) and a stop at IKEA! If you are interested... $25 gets you a seat (Well, the first 55 shoppers with their money)!

So... here's to getting Christmas shopping almost done before December! I am so excited because I already know what I am getting Sanj! I can't tell you, of course, as he will likely read this ... and feel ripped off! lol

Did I mention I am going to learn to knit? lol OK... attempt... although I have seen very young kids knitting , especially at the hockey rinks. Sammy really wants a pair of knitted mitts. So... my friend, Marsha, is going to teach me. (Lord, please give her patience... lots of it).

OK... it is 5:51 p.m. and I am stalling. I went into the office today, so my house is a disaster zone, there is reading, memory work, spelling and baths. Sanj and the older 2 are at hockey practice.

So off I go... as I really had nothing much to say... but obviously plenty none the less!

Breaking Dishes, I Mean Habits!

Thanksgiving.... all done. Everyone is stuffed with stuffing and turkey and all the trimmings.

I am tired. I am glad that everyone came, ate and now the house is quieter and stiller.

I think I get the holiday blues. What I mean by this is growing up, holidays were not really the funniest (to say the least). My dad always made an attempt to ruin them.

When I got older and had my own family... I thought that magically holiday would finally be.

But you don't pick your family. You don't. I already bring my dysfunctional family into the mix but I didn't count on the fact that I am marrying into a "not into the holiday spirit" kind of family.

I realized that this year. I have too high expectations. Happy families are ones that are healthy and present. They may not be all smiley or engaging... but it is what it is.

I have some traditions that I want to instil in the boys... clean up. This is a sore spot with me. Usually the men disappear... waiting to be served dessert. This upsets me to no end.

Sanj and his brother were raised in very traditional households, where their mom pretty much served their dad... even to this day. Last year I said, "We cooked... so they guys can clean up."

They didn't have a problem with this... but their mother did. She got up right away and planted her self in front of the sink. She refused to let them do it. I was really annoyed. What is this teaching the boys?

This year as my sister-in-law and I cleaned up after everyone did the token tidy up... and my mother-in-law settled on the sofa... I realized that they weren't taught this .

I am not going to have this cycle continue. I was thinking that as the boys come home as they get older... it is a matter of sharing the duties. Those that don't help cook are on clean-up duty.

It is about learning, breaking habits and building ones that make everyone happy.

Maybe it is petty... maybe it isn't. If you are the one that shopped for the food, cooked the food, and then have to wash and clean it all up... it makes for a grumpy mom.

Thanksgiving was good for the boys. That is who I do all this for. I am so grateful for the chance to raise up boys to fine, well rounded, thoughtful men. I am sure my future daughter-in-laws will thank me! lol

A Perfect Day!

Have you ever had a perfect day? For me, that entails great weather, being with people I love and

being part of something awesome. A perfect day comes with its drama... but that only adds to the mix.

One of those days was my wedding day. I really don't need to explain, do I? If you know Sanj, my hubby, you know I found my prince charming. It was one of those days that was magical with its share of discombobulating moments.

Today was a perfect day. I have to say I am feeling 100% back to me. Our school is a place where magic happens. It is the kind of thing that is so hard to put into words, but let me try.

Today was a day we threw a Old Fashion Thanksgiving Dinner. Our guest were seniors from the Peterborough community who are lonely, alone or just were sent by God to be there.

There is this amazing group of moms... the Good Neighbor Committee... they are a group committed to being a Good Neighbor to our community.

It is a day that starts with donated food brought in by parents. Turkeys, stuffing (actually killer stuffing), gravy, veggies, potatoes, cranberries, rolls, pies (some homemade from scratch), juice, coffee and/tea.

We cook, cut, slice, heat and serve.

We have a lovely morning of chatting, worrying about enough food, pink turkeys, and working hard.

There is a team of ladies who set up tables, decorate the tables, put out all the dishes and cutlery (NO PAPER PLATES here!!!!).

There are moms who worked with the grade 4s to make lovely fall pins for each senior that comes. There are moms that worked on making lovely centerpieces for each table.

Then usually 30 minutes before time, the seniors start to come in.

The 8th graders come down, dressed neatly, coming to be dinner guest and eat with the seniors.

It is show time! Food is served, conversation is taking place... it is so lovely.

Then there is entertainment. You won't find a better dinner theatre around.

Grades 1, 2, 3 and 4 come in and sing songs of God's love.

If you missed it... it really was an indescribable moment. Beautiful. Lovely. Angels were beaming. Really... if you missed it ... it is what Websters would have as a perfect moment. It is why I send my children to this place. It is a place where God was smiling down.

Suddenly, as I watched our principal, staff members, students and parents... all part of this moment, I knew God has the future of our school in His hands. All that rough stuff, annoying stuff... it is all good. God has got it in His hands.

Everyone is engaged and having a good time. There is enough food! Staff and the 8th graders enjoy a yummy meal too.

I was in the bathroom and overheard some ladies... "What a lovely meal. And the lovely lad that was at our table was just delightful. What a lovely time."

What a great group of 8th graders. They were polite, engaging and thoughtful. One girl took her table of seniors on a tour of the school, all on her own. How awesome, isn't it?

As it all comes to a close, it seems as if some of the seniors are reluctant to leave.

God, please bless this lovely people that came today. May they have been blessed and seen Your love in this day.

Then the 8th graders amaze again. Without being told, they break down the tables and chairs. They are in the kitchen doing dishes and drying. They are an awesome group!

There are dishes... lots of dishes. LOTS OF DISHES! lol

There are many dishpan hands tonight.

There are smiles of contents. This day was perfect only because of the willing hearts of lovely ladies. They just give. They are an inspiration to me. I feel so blessed to have them in my life.

They feed my spirit. My spirit is overflowing.

It was a perfect day because of the willing hearts of staff, teachers, students and an awesome principal.

This is a place filled with God's servants.. and it is what made a special day a perfect day!

Seeking Success...

Tonight I went out into the dark, cold, windy, rainy night to hear a real published author speak.

Lawrence Hill, author of The Book of Negroes was at Trent University.

I was taken by the normalness of him. I want so badly to be a somebody. What I mean is I have never been really good at anything. I never really knew what I was good at. At the age of 40 + 1

I realize that I can learn to be good at something.

I would love to be a famous author or photographer. Famous? I had to think about that. Not famous as much as successful. I would like to be successful in one or both of those passions, yet not give up being 100% mom either.

I was inspired tonight as I realized that maybe it is obtainable. Success is a definition that is different for each, is it not?

I went to Trent with a young lady that babysat for us since she was 12 years old. Now she is 21 or so and a lovely lady. She asked me if turning 40 was hard?

For me, it really wasn't. I felt like I had succeeded in life and was happy with the place in life I was at... at that point. What was my success? My boys. Have you met them? They are pretty special, each so different and unique. Each of them my work of love for the past 14 years and counting. So 40 was good.

What will the next 10 years bring? How will I define success? I am not sure. I felt pretty good today though. I came home to an email about someone that read my confessions of melting down. She mentioned how our family seemed so perfect. I guess reading my reality made her realize she is not alone ... in her tiredness of being mom and 1001 other things.

Sometimes I question my lack of censorship with my writings. Yet, really, this is me.

The good, the bad and the ugly.

So thank you, friend for writing me. We, my family, are no where near perfect! LOL... literally!

We are so far from perfect... it is scary.

But the bottom line is that we really do love each other. If you have that, love, then you will make it.

As far me seeking the satisfaction of success... it is a journey I am on.

I can't wait to see where it goes.

Step one... in the journey... a photography course and a course on using my camera.

I am so excited! The school part, not so much, but ready for that ride!

www.nieniedialogues.blogspot.com

It is Thursday, 10:00 p.m. and I really should be closing my eyes and going to sleep. Tomorrow is a big day... I'll blog it tomorrow... but it is one of my favorite Rhema events.

I have a lot to say and I am not sure I will even be able to type all my thoughts...

First of all, I am feeling more like myself. The happy pill is working. Thank You, God, for modern medicine, for carrying me when I couldn't walk at all. How much I love you!

I didn't see it, The Oprah Show today but I did read the article. http://www.oprah.com/article/oprahshow/20090924-tows-stephanie-plane-crash

The first thing I read was that she was a mommy blogger with a great following of her life as mother of 4 children. Immediately my thought was ... "How come I can't be a successful blogger?" I admit, jealousy flashed through me... as I continued readying... I was immediately filled with shame. Please read her story.

If you are a mom that struggles with the ho-hum of everyday mommy stuff... just watch her video of fighting to do the everyday stuff for her children as much as it hurts her physically.

I was struck my how she said that she had to say goodbye to herself. How many times have I wanted to say goodbye to me... and all I know? It hit me that life and the pressures that often send me over the edge are pressures I and only I put on myself.

I have to learn that it is OK to say NO to things that will send me over the edge. Sometimes the person I have to say no to is my own child. And I have to be OK with that.

Tyler had a soccer tournament 45 minutes from here. I was guilting myself that I should really have gone to watch. Yet, with the Thanksgiving Dinner happening tomorrow at Rhema (OK, I told you...) I just had so much to do. My house needed attention, I had to track down table clothes, makes phone calls, and on and on it went.

So I didn't make it to the tournament. I felt really bad. Part of it was really selfish because I really didn't want to stand in the cold rain and freeze.

I was the only one feeling bad. Tyler didn't even give it a second thought. He had a great day.

I need to appreciate all that is what my life is made of. I don't have to like it all, but I do really need to see each day as a gift... a gift I so often take forgranted. The gifts that each of my children are... despite the pain in the butts they can be too.

This lady had to say goodbye to herself. Talk about counting your blessings... one by one....

Fishing Without Fear...

This is an article that was posted in the Peterborough Examiner a month ago:

Hate crimes cops are investigating the case of a 12-year-old boy accused of pushing a Toronto angler into the water in Kawartha Lakes, police said yesterday.

A 46-year-old Asian Canadian man was fishing with his family from a bridge on Canal Lake when police say the boy came up from behind and pushed him into the water on Friday afternoon.

The boy was found by police nearby and charged with one count of assault.

Given the recent history of Asian Canadian anglers being pushed into Ontario waters, the case could have much deeper implications.

How ridiculous is this? A 12 year old that has learned to hate and discriminate against another person because someone looks different. How humiliating for the angler that is minding his own business to have been pushed into the water. How frightened his family must have felt.

As a minority, living in Peterborough, I, for the most part, forget that I am ethnically different than most of my peers. I didn't usually see races. People are people.

It made me sad to hear this on the radio yesterday...

The news was saying how signs are posted along the Trent-Severn Waterway between Lock 19 and Lock 26. Eight of the signs will eventually be posted along the Trent-Severn Waterway between Lock 19 at Lansdowne St. and Lock 26 in Lakefield, said Jack Alexander, director of operations for the waterway, and the three others will be posted at popular fishing spots such as the Little Lake marina and the Lakefield marina.The signs read "Fishing without Fear" in English, French and Chinese and have the number for Crime Stoppers at the bottom.

We all have red blood running through our veins. When will be stop judging a book by their cover?

How often am I guilty of doing the same? Too often. I am often put to shame when I get to know that "book" and see its real content.

The Perfect PJs!

Enough of my pity party. Thank you for loving me... just as I am. I am starting to feel a bit more of myself finding my groove again.

This weekend we went to the one of the boys favorite stores... Hockey Life. There is thousands of square feet of just pure hockey. (Insert rolling of eyes).

They built one closer to us... so all my boys were thrilled.

As I was wondering, I saw this .... an one piece body suit of some sort, jock included... so all one would need to do is add the necessary hockey equipment.

I called Sanj over.... "look this is perfect... " I said.

He said... "for what?"

I said... "You new pajamas!" I was really laughing... especially at his look!

Talk about instant birth control! lol

Lost and then Found!

This is how God reaches me. I just posted my blog about me being lost in blackness.

I didn't write about how lost I am feeling. LOST. I need to feel God is there for me. I NEED TO FEEL HIM IN CONTROL!

The phone rings. I have ignored the phone today. I pick it up. It is Sammy.

"Mommy, I got my phone back. They paged me to the office. Someone found it."

I knew as I prayed for Sammy's phone to be return that it was a long shot. I knew as I posted on my status on Facebook that God would have to do His thing... a miracle to happen for this to have a happy ending.

It's Monday... 11:11 a.m. God knew I need Him. God knew I needed to see Him. There He is!

How much I love this God of mine. I am not alone. I can feel Him now. I know that I will make it.

The Meltdown...

I am not feeling well. Of course this is all my fault. Once my medication runs out, you'd think the natural cause of action would be to run to the pharmacy. But if you are me, you put it off. I still feel OK so I tell myself that I will do it tomorrow.

Of course tomorrow is never today. Then it happens. Well really this is the first time it is this bad. Last time when it was this bad it was called Postpardum Depression. But now it is called CraZy!

Yesterday we were going to church. Max had a hockey game so Sanj took the youngest three with him. I was to follow with the older three. You would think I had the easy end of the bargain.

Yet on the Sundays that we go to church... it is without fail the day that the Devil descends on me. He just grins, laughs and takes over my beings.

It begins with Tyler... age 14... saying "I have no pants." How is it possible since the age of 4, every church going day he has no pants? For 10 years... it is a constant. He has issues with wearing anything accept jeans, teeshits and topped with a sweatshirt. Every time to go to church there are tears and drama. EVERY TIME!

So the devil comes out and I lose it. REALLY LOSE IT.

As I am looking around for his pants, I see on a ledge as I am going down to his room that there sits a pile of his laundry that he was too lazy to put away. There lay the missing pant.

It suddenly hits me that perhaps I am not crazy. But rather that I am being driven crazy by the seven people that I live with.

It goes down hill from there. I have totally lost it. I drop the boys off at church. I drive across the road to Mc Donald's order crap and park in front of the grocery store.

I feel the pressure. I know if I give in to the pressure, it may never end. I am having a full on meltdown. I have bad to feeling alone. VERY ALONE. I am back to feel like a loser. I am back to feeling that I must be all to everyone one yet have no one to give me that. I am having a major pity party. I let the tears come. Finally. The dark thoughts are back.

It is funny because when I am at this point of falling... I know that I still have to pick myself back up. So I guess I teeter on the end. Sometimes I do wonder what it would feel like to actually just fall.

I get out of the car, to grab groceries, and realize I better get my meds refilled.

You may not understand this but when I am at this point, the thought, much less the act of refilling is overwhelming. Loblaws (where my prescription sits) is the other side of town. I just can't seem to go there. Then it hits me that they can send it over to this grocery store.

Thank you God. Despite the fact that it actually took 50 minutes of drama to get that to happen, I left with the prescription in hand.

I was 30 minutes late picking up Max from hockey. We had friends coming over for lunch. A good thing, as I had to hold it together.

It was a long day. It was good. I took that first pill. I know that in a few days I will be back to normal. Yet it frustrates me that I am so fragile without it.

When I get to this point, I have a major pity party for myself. All the woes that I normally try to put aside come flooding out. I feel resentful of those that let me down. I feel so unable to just find that one positive thing.

But today is a little better. I am tackling laundry... which is scary in it self. But I am trying to focus on things that I love... food, Thanksgiving Dinner, a new book, sleeping tonight...

It is getting better... it is better than yesterday.

That is a good thing.

TGIF

I felt like I was having a pity party. Really, I am not.

I am just trying to figure out why my head works this way. It never used to.

I love life and love living the gift with my family and friends.

I felt so sad in the midst of having a great day. I hate that. If there really was a reason to feel sad then I would handle it.

I had a great day with Sammy and his friends. I saw my son has been growing up ... without me really realizing it. I saw the beautiful man he is becoming and I felt so proud. He is going to be fine... he is a great kid/ becoming man.

I love being with my kids, especially when they are not driving me crazy.

I love shopping. I love sharing that experience with Sammy. Boy, he can shop. Must be in his genes! lol

It is a busy weekend. We have our school Walkathon to raise monies. It is a busy morning. God listened to the prayers for no rain. It is calling for a cool and cloudy morning... rain in the afternoon. So awesome!

Max has hockey this weekend. 7 a.m. Saturday and Sunday morning. Thank goodness Sanj is on it!

Our heating is messed up. Not happy about that. This is the third night with no heat. I know, some of you have not turned yours on yet. But I don't like being cold. (This is not usually my problem). But I do worry about the boys kicking of their covers and being cold.

I am not looking forward to hearing what the problem is. Especially the part of how much the problem is going to cost!

I have so many ideas and projects buzzing through my head... many of them are school related.

This Thursday is our 5th (I believe) annual Thanksgiving Dinner at Rhema.

A bunch of wonderful parents come in and help cook and set up a traditonal Thanksgiving Dinner. We invited Seniors from the community to come and join us for a free dinner, with 8 graders usually coming down and joining the Seniors, the younger grades making a gift for them and putting on a performance for them.

It is a busy yet wonderful day. My only sadness of this day is that this is the JK/SK Pumpkin Patch Trip. I don't think I missed one yet. Josh will be on his own this year. That makes me a little sad to miss it. There are three JK moms on the committee so we are out of luck. Bummer.

Oh well.

It is a rainy and cold night out. I can smell the fire burning, one of my favorite smells. I am laying in bed, totally comfy, about to pick up my book. A perfect evening.

Josh was a typical little brother today. Sammy is so good with him. Being little is hard work, so he is snoring beside me.

I am just typing. It feels good. I realize I have nothing exciting to say. So I am off to read my book, but hope that everyone's weekend is great!

The Woes of Being Reema...

Today Sammy has no school so two of his buddies came over for the night.

They are hilarious to listen too. They were having a conversation about Jon and Kate +8.

Boy One was saying..." Kate is hot."

Boy Two... "She has 8 kids! Who would want that? Jon is cool."

It went on... hum... then it was a conversation about ex's... they both had a girlfriend last year in grade 8... it was about whether you can be friends with your ex?

Today we are going to Toronto to a real mall for the day. I am really looking forward to hanging out with them

Sammy called me yesterday, very upset, asking me to cancel his phone (his first love)... someone stole it. He is devastated. Especially because he saw the boy in the hall with it.

It sucks to see my child get hurt and see the badness in people out here. So I am praying that God will touch this boys heart. Not so much for Sammy's sake, but how troubled he must be...

So I am praying for the return of the phone as well as for this child.

I know God has so much to do... but...

I ran out of my happy pill. I have been feeling really depressed. I found myself feeling really sad for no reason. It scared me. I am so often on the edge of sanity. What is wrong with me?

I know my doctor wanted to wean me off... yikes...not sure that is a good thing.

Maybe I am certifiably crazy. Nothing wrong with that, is there? It is in the genes. That is why there is a happy pill, isn't it?

Yah... the woes of being me.

Nightmare!

Last night I had an assortment of dreams. There was no reason or rhyme.

But the last bit of my dream was a reoccurring nightmare.

A bunch of my teeth fell out! Oh my gosh! Why do I keep having this dream?

I heard this is common... others told me that they dream this too.

It is so disturbing to me.

I haven't been to the dentist lately. Maybe this is my reminder.

I don't wanna lose my teeth!

So I googled dream interpretation of loosing teeth... here is what I found... although many websites had various meanings. This is found from www.dreammoods.com:

One theory is that dreams about your teeth reflect your anxiety about your appearance and how others perceive you. Sadly, we live in a world where good looks are valued highly and your teeth play an important role in conveying that image. Teeth are used in the game of flirtations, whether it be a dazzling and gleaming smile or affectionate necking. These dreams may stem from a fear of your sexual impotence or the consequences of getting old. Teeth are an important feature of our attractiveness and presentation to others. Everybody worries about how they appear to others. Caring about our appearance is natural and healthy.

This is interesting enough because I am always nagging myself about my health and exercise. I am forever thinking Monday will the a new week!!!

Another rationalization for these falling teeth dream may be rooted in your fear of being embarrassed or making a fool of yourself in some specific situation. These dreams are an over-exaggeration of your worries and anxiety.

I feel this way while at work at Sanj's office. Everything is so new and intimidating. Since I know there are people there waiting for me to fail (no not Sanj... lol), it only adds to my agitation.

Teeth are used to bite, tear, chew and gnaw. In this regard, teeth represent power. And the loss of teeth in your dream may be from a sense of powerlessness. Are you lacking power in some current situation? Perhaps you are having difficulties expressing yourself or getting your point across. You feel frustrated when your voice is not being heard. You may be experiencing feelings of inferiority and a lack of self-confidence in some situation or relationship in your life. This dream is an indication that you need to be more assertive and believe in the value of your own opinion.

Hum... again, perhaps in the work environment again. Lately I have been having thoughts of being the Bitch that I know is in me, waiting to come out and blow up. Tick Tock...

In the latest research, it has been shown that women in menopause have frequent dreams about teeth. This may be related to getting older and/or feeling unattractive and less feminine.

Traditionally, it was thought that dreaming that you did not have teeth, represent malnutrition which may be applicable to some dreamers.

Other Perspectives

A scriptural interpretation for bad or falling teeth indicate that you are putting your faith, trust, and beliefs in what man thinks rather than in the word of God. The bible says that God speaks once, yea twice in a dream or a vision in order to hide pride from us, to keep us back from the pit, to open our ears (spiritually) and to instruct and correct us.

In the Greek culture, when you dream about loose, rotten, or missing teeth, it indicates that a family member or close friend is very sick or even near death.

According to the Chinese, there is a saying that your teeth will fall out if your are telling lies.

It has also been said that if you dream of your teeth falling out, then it symbolizes money. This is based on the old tooth fairy story. If you lose a tooth and leave it under the pillow, a tooth fairy would bring you money.

Hello Lotto 649!!!

Well... I can say all sorts of stuff on this ... but I am really trying to listen to God rather than man.

I don't have any sick loved ones that are going to kick the bucket... that I know of.

I am not telling lies... except to Josh about Santa. OK I have told a few white lies here and

but that was in the interest of everyone! lol

Calling the dentist for my cleaning and check up that I didn't have time for!

When I Grow Up, I Want To Be...

When I know I have to get up, I don't sleep well. So at 5 a.m. I am up... asking Sanj if he is going to the gym? Not today.

How he gets up this early is beyond me! I am so not a morning person. I was really stressed today too. I just didn't want anything to go wrong. I didn't want Josh to be too scared. I didn't want he to be in too much pain. Since there was nothing I could do, I just prayed and worried.

He is so sad to miss school. I am a little sad about that. I really want to just lay in bed and snuggle with my once momma's boy.

Tyler and Jordan had soccer games during school today. They had fun, played hard and I felt bad to miss the action.

I haven't been to the office in a bit. I think so far I have only worked 3 days! Good thing I have an in with the boss!

Over the last year, as the time came for my kids to be off to school... I heard so many comments about being a stay at home mom.

Things are changing now, but not to long ago, it was not the minority that stayed home. When Sammy went to JK at Rhema, the program was just T/TH till noon. We loved that. Just to dip their toes into the big world but still they were home with me.

Times have changed. Now Rhema has JKs 3 full days... which accommodates the working family. The families are now more moms that work or moms and dads that both work and share the responsibility of children at home.

I remember one mom who had found out that she was pregnant around the same time I found out that I was pregnant with Zach. I was delight. She had been on birth control and was not happy.

We were walking one day, and she said to me (her children were 5 and 2 years at the time)... "Don't you want to enjoy your children?" The one thing that I hate about myself is that I don't have a snappy reply right away.

She was talking about the fact that my first three are a year apart. Then Max is 2 years younger and I was pregnant again.

She is a mom consumed by her career as well as making her kids something... which is great but at this age, they seem to be missing their childhood.

I never said this because I didn't think about it till after and it haunts me that I didn't. But my answer is that "I do enjoy my children. That is why we have made the choice of me being home with them."

How dare she criticize our choice to have a baby or to expand our family? It was to our house that her children came to play all the time. Did she not have that million dollar family? I would not question her decision to be a working mom, so why question mine to be home with my kids?

I assume that most sane people will do what is best for their children. Some moms are not meant to be stay at home moms. Some dads make great stay at home dads. Some couples have it so that both are able to do both.

Where is this coming from? Maybe as this year has come and I wondered what I want to be when I grow up, I really have found that I love being mom. I love what I do. What do I do?

I couldn't even begin to tell you... as each day brings on something totally different.

I guess I wonder if I am lazy? But then I can say that I don't usually have a free minute... because I have so much that needs to be done. But then I get a call from one of the boys... don't forget to come and watch my game. Or today, Sammy asked me if I could come and have lunch with him... How can I say no?

Don't I want to enjoy my children? Very much, every minute of each day possible. With 6 boys, there is always one that needs a mom to hang with or cheer for.

I guess this makes my time in the office, enjoyable too.. as it is a change to. Dealing with adults comes with its own set of challenges too! Sometimes I am lost, as the kids rules seem simpler.

My Exercise Time

I don't think I have anything of interest to write about today... except that I need to write.

I wish I wanted to exercise my body as much as I need to exercise my fingers!

It has been a very rainy day! One of the major streets lost power from lunch time on.

Sanj's office was one of those business effected. Bummer for him. This caused him added stress to the pressure that was there already. He has new software that needed loading and has to be learned. Since this program runs pretty much everything... it had him stressed out.

Josh and I were in line at Chapters with new books in arm, ready to pay for, when the power went off. I was so disappointed. I hunted down two of the books I wanted at another book store yet will have to get the third one tomorrow, hopefully. The one I didn't get was the one that I wanted to read first, of course!

I loved The Book Of Negroes. It was a great read, if you haven't read it. My new purchases today were Benny and Shrimp and White Tiger. They come highly recommended so I'll let you know what I think.

There is nothing better to listen to then the pounding of the rain and deep breathing of one of my babes on my shoulder.

Tomorrow Josh goes in very early for the repairing of his ear drum which has a hole in it. We are glad to finally get this fixed, as it has hindered him from water activities, especially swimming lessons.

This past week, 2 babes were buried from a neighbor church. It reminded me of the fragility of life. It made me cling to my children and realize that life with them is never to be taken for granted.

I hate having one of my children go under. Tyler, who was 4 years old, had to have his tonsils out. He was a big boy for his age and I believe the anesthetist gave him a dose according his to weight.

Tyler came out of surgery, ate the suggested popsicles and was doing well. The nurse told me that once he finished another couple of ounces of his juice we could go home. It was busy in there, lots of little ones recovering.

Tyler started to make a funny noise... I called the nurse over to ask her if he was OK? She called out for a passing surgeon and climbed on the bed as the wheeled him away.

Sanj had just left to go back to work. OK... I don't do well under these kinds of circumstances. I am not a calm and cool mom... if I don't have to be.

They had to rush him back to the O.R. and bring him to. With the dose of anesthetic given,

and the added meds after he came out, it was too much for his little system to handle.

Tyler had to stay over night and didn't wake up for 21 hours. It was very scary. The frustrating thing about this experience was the anesthetist didn't just say sorry I may have messed up. He insisted that Tyler had sleep apnea.

Whatever. It was one of those things that everyone knew... in fact years later we learned that he was being sued over this very thing. So after that experience, it is always scary to have one of my kids go under.

I love our ENT and have faith in him. He is very loving, gentle and has great bedside manners.

I know this is a minor thing in comparison to many things other children have to go through.

But he is my baby. He is such a trooper. He is actually excited at this point!

Josh said, " I am going to have surgery. Will they say 'Clear'?" Lord, I hope not!

Sammy is exhausted after school. So often he falls asleep in the van. What is up with that? Is high school that much work or stress? Maybe. He goes to bed quite early... usually before 10 p.m. for sure.

Tyler is dishing out some attitude. I miss my sweet Tyler. But I am ready for him! Tough Love!

Jordan's stitches came out of his leg wound and was doing well. But now it is looking nasty again. Gross. I am going to have to take him in again. Yuck!

Max is Max... nothing up or down... just Max. He is looking forward to playing hockey on a different league this year, with his friends!

Zachary... is asleep beside me. How I love his spirit!

Josh... well I better not start! lol

That is my update or writing exercise for the evening!

All in a day...

Slapping the Other Cheek... Oops, I mean...

The older boys had friends over for most of the day. The younger ones were happy to just be with everyone.

It is cool and rainy... it's time to figure out supper. Yuck. I am feeling kind of on the verge of getting something. I want to say it is allergies but I feel chilled and kinda achy. I got a couple of movies... Sanj has hockey tonight, the younger ones will be off to bed early, the older ones are watching a movie.

Sanj has been building his master piece all day. It is 5:45 and he is off with the younger ones to catch some fish since they didn't have a friend over. What a good dad! Let's hope he doesn't bring fish for supper. I am not in the mood for it. It feels like a soup night.

I am almost finished the Book Of Negroes. It has been very disturbing to me. I never understand meanness in people. I don't get it. How could humans treat each other like that and be OK with it? How is that even humane? Think of the holocaust? I sometimes think that there is a good thing there is a hell.

I see meanness in little girls and boys. How do they think like that? What makes them want to be exclusive ... leave out others knowing full well it will hurt someone?

I think of people that are mean and I think that it boils down to insecurity. Insecurity is such a nasty thing. It is a horrible thing to need to prop yourself up at someone else's expense.

I have been the "victim" of meanness. It is a result of insecurity and feeling threatened. I have her talking behind my back. She puts me down. She demeans my attempts at being helpful.

She is so threatened and yet so fake.

Lord have mercy. I really don't have time for games or her issues. And really they are her issues. I am there to accomplish a task and do my best. I can't be bothered by the pettiness of others. Yet I am.

Meanness. I hate watching it play out in front of me. I hate seeing kids act ugly to another.

I wonder why girls/women are meaner than men? Are we? I have seen my boys go at it, beat each other up and then they are over it, playing together the next minute.

How come we aren't like that? I don't think all women are like that. But we do protect our own. Those claws can come out.

So, as I finish the Book of Negroes and reflect on the history of slavery and intolerance... I remind myself to focus on all the blessings. Let go of the pettiness.

I am going to turn the other cheek as long as I can... but I would so love to just slap that meanness out of her! Oops those were my inside thoughts coming out!

Chillaxing

Last night was a great night. There is nothing I like better than getting a group of friends together and hanging out!

One of the favourite things I love about fall is the cool weather, colours of fall, campfire, coffee

and lots of children. OK... it was a bit chilly... but still lovely.

There were so many parts of the night that I loved. My favourite was as the adults were chatting by the fire, the teenagers sat with us. They were so funny to listen to. Mini adults... reciting movie lines... actually almost whole movies... Elf was my favourite.

Their voices so deep and yet not mature quite yet. I loved hearing the talk of lockers, tests and people in their lives. They are such a lovely group of young people. My Sammy is growing into a great man. How I love him and am proud of him. (Thank you, God!)

There is something about a comfort zone with people who live and believe like you. Those relationships are not to be taken for granted. They are gifts from God, these friendships are!

Last night at 8:21 p.m. ( or something like that) we saw a space station passing over us. Apparently it does this every night at this time! So cool! I really want to get a telescope... maybe astronomy could become a hobby!

Then after all was said and done... the last little person put to bed... it was good night all.

Until 3 a.m. Sanj wakes up acting like he is in labour! I am puzzled and scared. Maybe he is having a nightmare. Maybe he is pregnant? Maybe he is crazy! I knew it.

He had some crazy charlie horse type thing go through his leg. He couldn't stand for the longest time... writhing in pain.

Two thoughts went through my head... 1) apparently his own body doesn't like his discipline of working out... his own muscles are complaining. 2) I am pretty sure I went through this 6 times for hours at times pushing out each of his babies.

He ended making it to the shower and waited for the contractions, I mean, spasms to settle.

This morning he was off to the gym, bright and early to "stretch!"

I am loving the morning... a few of the boys had friends sleep over, so the house is peaceful... amazing how added kids make them behaviour better! I smell the fireplace burning, I have croissants in the oven, hash brown delish baking... yum. This is why my kids love company... their mom hides the cereal boxes for a change! lol

It's going to be a good day!

Welcome Fall!

"All About Me" Day!

Happy Birthday to ME!

I love birthdays!!!

I love my birthday!

To say I had the best birthday ever would be hard... because since this wonderful man has come into my life... I have had many an awesome birthday!

I believe that birthdays are so special because for one day... It IS ALL ABOUT YOU!

I have loved teaching that to my boys. Everyone gets a special day... all about them.

My day started off around 3:30 a.m. Maybe because I wanted to make the most of it... but I think I was so excited that I couldn't sleep.

As the morning routine was happening I could hear the excitement of card signing, rustling of paper... shhhhh... all that good stuff happening all the while pretending it wasn't happening!

How I love my family. The boys got me some lovely jewelry that I proudly displayed today.

Then they gave me a note that said...

In order to find what you seek you must wait to be called. Once you are called you must follow the directions given. You will attain that which is precious to you by practicing the patience that age has brought you this day.

Happy birthday from us.

Sanj, Sammy, Tyler, Jordan, Max, Zach, and Josh

First of all...I am still not patient so they were torturing me! I was then given a envelope that said I couldn't open it till I got a phone call. Well I spent the morning in the rain watching my sweet Max run his heart out in the cross country run. As he was about to run... I got a phone call!

It was Sanj, telling me that I could open the envelope. Welllllll... I 'd left it in the truck. So I had to wait to watch Max's run... patience is a virtue, they say!

I went to Sanj's office to open it... and there was a receipt for the coveted camera... waiting to be picked up in Oshawa!!!

Sanj had a meeting last night, left it early to drive all the way to Oshawa (where a real mall is), got there 5 minutes to close, discovered they didn't have it in stock... so told them they'd better get one in for his wonderful wife by the morning! lol And they did!!!

OK... really a birthday isn't about the gifts... but really who am I kidding... it is a little! lol So as I dashed off to Oshawa... speeding all the way... I couldn't stop thinking of all my blessings. How I begged God for Sanj so many years ago... (while he was pining for another woman... good thing I saved him!) lol

How I love that he loves me so much. He is thoughtful, creative and all my heart's desire. What else could a girl want? Well today... nothing! :)

Then to add to my delight... Sammy had offered Sanj all his hard earned money that he has been saving for his dirt bike. All of it! Wow... that is a gift in itself. How I love my boys.

Today as we were at Costco wasting a few minutes while Sanj was done work to go to supper... a lady says "4 boys?" The boys replied, "No there are 6 of us!"

She says... "Oh wow... I feel sorry for your mom."

As I replied to her, "Actually they are pretty wonderful..." I wished that people could see the beauty of my boys.. They love me with a passion. They think of my needs and feelings ... they love me. They really love me.

So as my birthday is almost over, I had this special day to think of all my blessings. My cup is running over with love from my friends and family.

Thank you God... for the life you have given me.

Yes, today I am thankful for all of it.

I am so grateful for all the love.

It is really what makes me world go around.

I love you, God.

Thank you for being so faithful to me.

Thank you for my gift of life!

Baby Love

What a busy day I had! I thought it would be a stay at home and catch up day... but after Tyler called that he forgot his guitar... it was a day out.

Josh and I had a good time visiting the animals at the zoo. He loves going there. I guess when you are 4 years old... what's not to love?!!

Today he told me, again... about how he wished he had a baby brother. What?!! WHY?!!!

I told him that he has 5 brothers!!! He said... but I don't have a baby brother. Baby Love... must run deep in the genes.

I asked him if he would like a baby sister... he said no... unless it was Madeline! (That is our principal's daughter). How sweet is that?!!

It was a good day together! I have had so many comments on being a stay at home mom for so many years... It is one of my biggest blessings.

Peace Be Still!

I have so much to write. I missed my laptop... I fingers missed expressing my thoughts as they flowed out of me. I went to the Women's Retreat this weekend from our church. The place we were at was just beautiful.

I am such a people person... and so usually I love just being in the mix. I hate going to bed because I just don't want to miss anything. Yet this time... I was craving time to just be. I needed solitude which kind of scared me a little. So not me.

But I rested... really rested. It was so beautiful outside yet as I sat enjoying the other ladies and the beautiful view, I found myself needing to just go in and rest. I rested. It was such a good rest. I slept a bit but when I was pounced upon by friends... I felt so good!

There is always pain and hurt at weekends like this. That was overwhelming at times and yet such a reality check to the gift of life, family and love that is in my life. It doesn't take the pains away... but just put things into perspective.

There is a mom that lost her daughter 3 and a half years ago. I have had to keep a distance because I felt that pain do deep. Even as I type my hands go numb. She spoke... today... shared. Brave, so beautiful and yet amazing.

There were two other babes that died this weekend at another church family. A two year old... sick with fever and what not and then suddenly died. Another mom, pregnant in the last trimester... discovered the baby is died. This morning she was still in labour.

How do you comprehend that kind of loss? It haunts me. I needed to come home and hold all that I love with all my heart. We don't know how long we have with those we love.

I spent time really finding things that I didn't realize about myself. For example... how do I worship? Sanj worships through his music. I wish I had a voice to shout out my love for God.

But over the years, with enough friendly insults of the voice I lacked... I have always shied away from singing out. Yet that left me so unsure of how I worship.

I realized that I do not sing to others. I am singing to my God. I find worship through music too...even though I am not musical. I find God thorough song. It was so freeing! If I need to raise my hands in praise to God... then I am going to do it. It doesn't matter that I wasn't raised that way... I feel it then I need to do it.

I have found myself really questioning God over the last year. As my social circle grew outside my Christian comfort zone... so did the questions. I never really understood how someone could doubt or just not believe in God... I can't imagine a day going by that I don't connect with Him with my chats. I appreciate knowing that He is in control of ALL things. I appreciate knowing that there is SOMEONE there... there is purpose and hope beyond this life.

I found myself questioning a lot this year. Questioning is good. It made me move out of my comfort zone. I really had to seek answers for ME ... only me. I believe in God. I believe in a heaven. I believe in Jesus! I am so glad that He is so patient with me.

And yes, maybe I believe in all these things because I need to believe. Maybe if my life was perfect... with a great childhood and parents I could count on... I wouldn't need to count on my God or believe in My God... but I will never know that. Life for me was so full of imperfections that I am so grateful that my belief in God gave me strength... hope ... help!

So i am seeking my worship with God. I am seeking the things that work for me.

I was in a workshop about Quiet Time with God... or something of that sort. I realized that I am really who I am ... and God made me. I am hyper... I can't help who I am. Be Still and Know that I am God. I have discovered that it doesn't mean for me to be still physically. I really don't think I can.

We were lead through steps ... part of it being still with our eyes shut for 5 minutes. Only five minutes... I started to fall asleep. How sad is that? Does it mean I can't be still and worship for 5 minutes... no ... I think it means that I chat with God all day. While I am driving, showering, cooking... it is a constant thing. I chat with God through music... the words... and He chats with me.

I feel His nudges to do things or say things. I admit sometimes I am not sure if it is Him or just me talking to myself... but when I follow the prompting of my own conscious... I often know when it was God.

I have decided that I can't compare to others who say they hear God's voice or felt His touch... I wish I could really Hear Him... in His awesome God voice.. but I am at this place in my walk. I have to be OK with our way of communicating.

I have to feel good about MY relationship with God. It is, after all, mine. I am unique. He made me. I feel so good... I feel better.

I want so badly for those I love to see God for all He is. Yet I realize that I can't force it. So... I can only be aware of my actions and ask God to make Himself real to those I love in His time.

I guess I learned and found a lot of me this weekend. I think maybe this is what Peace Be Still was suppose to be for me. I like it.

It was a great weekend. I found so much ... so much I was missing.

I found my way to Peace...

Ideas???

7 sleeps till my birthday! 41... big ones. Since I just keep getting better with age... (haha) I say... Bring it on!

I love birthdays! Everyone deserves a day to feel special!

I found the perfect gift... well really I am coveting... today I got to feel, touch, use a Nikon D300!

What a beauty! I can't even explain the dance we did... my hands, its body... perfection!

So ... anyone have a few thousand dollars... and want to be my fairy god mother or father...

I'd love you forever!

OK.. for real... it is my thing to do this school year to take a class... learn my camera inside and out... and then... go from there. But that is my first step!

I am really intimidated about school... So really I am just scared. I don't want to know that I am still a horrid student.

Someday... soon... Oh... I can't wait!

Blessed...

Today I spent some time catching up with some friends. Good stuff! I love my friends... I love so many of you who just inspire me, encourage me and love me.

Can't get much better then that, can it?!!! Well... yes it can... I am going away this weekend!

I am getting more excited each minute! I love being with people... and yet love being able to have time to relax, be feed, sleep, read and hang out.

I am also really inspired to plan one for the ladies at our school this year again. I am just motivated again. It feels good! I love our school... OK I know I say that but I really do.

I get such energy there...

I am back on the Good Neighbour Committee. I missed it. I didn't know how much I would miss it. This is a committee of people who have a giving heart and spirit. We think of things to do that will give back to our community... and teach our children through our actions, how to be a Good Neighbour.

We make a home made Thanksgiving Dinner... turkey, stuffing, cranberries, pie... and NO PAPER PLATES! lol I have people that keep me in line! This is for seniors who may other wise be alone... or for people that just need to be there.

It is a great day... I can't wait!

Anyways... I am really looking forward to working with a great group of ladies... and getting to know the new members!

There is something about doing for a cause or person with no intentions of any kind. It is the kind of thing that takes people off guard.

I have ideas... oh, so scary! Lots of ideas! It is all good!

We are so blessed. Each of us... even with the struggles in each of our lives... don't lose focus of all the blessings! Just being alive is a blessing!

Just For My Sweet Cousin... Cynthia!

OK... it is near the end of the day, the fluff of my hair is gone for the night... but I do love it.

I feel like I have bounce! I am not sure if the picture really shows the difference. But I love the short layers!

I HATE pictures of myself... so Cynthia... I really love you ... because I am doing this!

Will Miss You!

My kids keep asking... "Where are you going this weekend..."

"Away... to the women's retreat," I answer.

"Does this mean we are going to the Mandarin?" I get asked...

(Some sort of tradition with dad when I go away).

They don't sound too broken up that I am going.

Sanj... hope you know what you are in for! Have fun!

Me...

I had such a busy day. It was very full... but I felt good.

I got a haircut... my haircuts don't vary too much... bangs... grow out bangs... layers... grow out layers... that is about the most I get as far as excitement goes.

I wish I could chop it all off... very short... unfortunately the one time I did it... my 30th birthday... I looked awful... I want a Halle Berry crop cut... yet maybe forgot that I didn't have the Halle Berry face to go with it! Bummer.

Over the last year, at least, my hair is falling out. OK... I know that every one has hair that falls out. But this is major hair loss. It's thinning... I am so stressed that I am going to be a lady with see through hair. I know ladies that have this problem and they are so graceful about it. I wouldn't be.

So... I went and got my hair cut shorter and with shorter layers. I am hoping to trick myself into thinking that my hair is healthy again. I am also going to take gelatin caplets... apparently they will help... and I am praying that God could spare a moment to the petty problem of my hair loss.

I enjoyed the time in the office. I think I enjoy messing of the computer. I always wanted to be a teller and play with the cash machine when I was a kid... maybe this is fulfilling that long lost desire!

I realized that not every one likes me... today. OK... really... what is not to like??? I realized that two people didn't like me. Actually maybe they are both threatened... by what I don't know... but I don't like the feeling of not being liked... especially when I KNOW I didn't do anything!

I went and looked for a couple of outfits for work... I like getting dressed up. I like shopping without little people opinions (although last week when Josh and I went work clothes shopping... he told me "You look fabulous!" Boy I love that kid!)

I am trying really hard to convince myself that I dislike food. I want to look like I see myself in my head. I have to pick up Tyler from youth group in a few minutes... and all I can think of is a quick stop at Tim's for a sprinkled donut or a hot carmel sundae from McDonalds. I have issues.

I got three loads of laundry done today. I was impressed with myself... maybe the busier I am the better I will keep up with the laundry... We'll see! I can always hope!

I am reading a good book... one that draws me into the character right away! The Book of Negroes... how do people write like that? Wow... I wish I could learn to do that ... but I really believe that it is just a gift...

I am going away this weekend... a women's retreat from church. I am so looking forward to it. I am just looking forward to being... just being... I am looking forward to being with friends... and I am looking forward to reading.... eating (of course) and sleeping!

It is just all about me... in this blog.

Wow... I still can't believe that there are people that really don't like me!!! lol

Sleeping with the Boss!

OK... I never thought that I'd be one of those kind of girls... but snuggling up with the boss seems to have its perks!

Today was day #1 of me being back in the work force ... well Sanj's office. It was good.

I had lunch was the big wig then worked a few hours and then was off.

Tomorrow I begin my day with a haircut... and then off to the office with my new do!

Perks... I will be seeking them out! lol

Life's Mysteries...

The first time I knew that living with abuse was not normal was watching Oprah. I didn't even know it was called abuse.

Then I learned about being a battered woman. I learned this on Oprah too.

Today I watched the interview with Oprah and Whitney Houston. I love Whitney's music. I listened to her through my teens as I daydreamed of my crush of that hour.

One of the things I have been so hard on my mom is that she lived with the abuse. She didn't choose to escape. I really never got that. I didn't understand how she could allow herself to be beat and emotionally battered time and again.

As I became a mother... I vowed that no one would ever hurt my kids. No one. It was one of the reasons why my father was removed out of my life. I didn't want my children to experience that roller coaster ride of hurt and confusion.

Today I watched Whitney Houston... someone who had it all... tell about how she lived with abuse. Yes, there was drugs... but it doesn't change anything. How can someone who had it all at her beck and call live a life of being abused?

I was slapped across the face... so to speak. May it is just something I am lucky to not have had to live through as an adult. My man respects me, adores me and loves me.

Whitney said that Bobby Brown was her drug. She said that she was determined to keep to her vows.

I can't help but wonder if someone with all the money and power is so helpless... how my mom must have felt. Whitney had her family... always ready to help her... she just didn't accept it ... till later. My mom had no one to turn to. When she did... she was turned away.

I guess I have been associating it with love ... I always thought if my mom had loved us enough ... she would have left. Yet... I watched Whitney allow her daughter to lived through some ugly stuff...

I know my mom loved us... and did the best she could. That is where humanness comes into play.... maybe.

I watch as my mother still goes to my father... to help him out... now. I don't understand it. I maddens me. Yet ... who am I to judge?

I can't. I shouldn't. I have to accept that some things are and will be one of life's mysteries.

It was quite a wake up for me to hear Whitney Houston live with these choices... her choices... and now her realities. It is also her daughter's reality.

It makes me see my mother in a different light. It makes me really not want to judge. It makes me want to just be... to accept the life I had... and grateful for survival. Now... grateful for today and the gift of my life now as I know it.

Makeshift ER

Last night we were over at friends for a party. All the boys were with us except Jordan, who was invited to a friend's house.

All is well until I get a call at 7 p.m. Jordan took a fall and gashed his leg pretty badly. They were going to take him to ER.

I am not a blood and guts girl. If my kid is hurt... I am more of a hinderance than help... unless I really have to step up to the plate.

Thankfully we were at two doctors house... who graciously said... they would stitch him up rather than us wait at ER for 4+ hours no doubt.

Jordan did really well. Me... if I ever need stitches... PLEASE knock me out first!

3 stitches later... flesh and blood under control... we were good!

Thank you Dr. Chandra x2!!! You are both awesome.

When the boys were born... we decided to have them circumcised. Back then, they would take the babe away and then return them a bit red and yet all good.

After Zachary... the doctor said he was doing them in his office. So I went unsuspecting... to have Zach look like his brothers. Little did I know... I was his helper. I was standing over Zachary as he looked so trusting into my face and felt things being snipped off... I am barely able to type... this.

I am so not cut out to be cutting or stitching any body parts.

It was a very traumatic experience. When Josh came along, I made sure that Sanj was booked off and there holding his son while he had pieces of tissue cut off... Maybe that is why Josh is the last one!!!

Poor Jordan is seemingly always the one that gets hurts... when he is away playing. He was a trooper! All is well that ends well!

Meet Mat...

Ever since Sammy was in JK with Mrs. Herder... the class is introduced to Matsitsi ... a little Kenyan boy whom they sponsor as a class. Each child is asked to work for some money... that they bring in each month.

Josh brought a picture of Matsitsi home this year. He excitedly shares his pictures with his brothers... as Sammy pips up... "Matsitsi must be rich... we were sending him money when I was in JK!"

lol

If you are interested in sponsoring a child... I have 6 that are available... lol or check out the many organizations...

Compassion International

REACH Canada

World Vision

These are the ones that pop into my head... so much need in this world.

It's That Time of Year Again!

This weekend I signed up 5 of my boys for hockey!

Let me tell you that soccer moms have nothing on hockey moms. It is another whole world. You must know your equipment... the order of which the equipment goes on, the art of tying skates... getting used to the smell of the locker rooms and hockey bags that also house odors... and then there is the bone chilling cold of the rink that you learn to be prepared for.

Then there is the cost... the younger ones pay $350 or so and the older ones pay $ 450 or there about...

as I write the check... I think of all the shopping hours this could be supporting...

Then there is the check list...

Sticks (2) in case on breaks... this cost would shock you... Tyler's dream stick cost $230...

Skates ... again... shocking cost... Tyler's dream skates are $700 + Nike Bauer 195

Shin guards

Hockey socks

Athletic cup (don't leave home without it)

Hockey Pants

Elbow pads

Shoulder pads

Gloves

Helmet with face mask

Jersey

Mouth guard

Throat protector

Underwear

Tape

Water bottle

Let the season begin! I do love watching some of the boys games... I love the victory of shooting a goal! I love the imitations of the little guys of the NHL players. I love the french fries the make at the concession stand... those are going to have to be off limits this year!

So... we signed up... we are ready for the hockey season 2009-2010!

Nothing But Net!

Learning a Lesson in Grace

Over the summer I wrote about how Sammy and I have been clashing... which was his attempts of separating himself from me. I didn't handle it with any level of grace. I was just hurt wondering why this child I love so much is pushing me away.

Then we had an incident which was the straw that broke the camel's back. The worst thing that could happen to Sammy right now is too lose his phone... his connection to his world of friends.

Gone. I took his phone away. He was more sorry about the lose of the phone than his actions.

Over a period of a few weeks, Sanj spoke to him about being really sorry and asking for forgiveness. I basically focused on my other boys and stayed out of Sammy's way.

While taking his phone away would serve as punishment for his actions... I wasn't sure it was really teaching him what I really want him to understand.

He did apologize. We moved on.

What I noticed is that he really still needs me but just didn't know how to do that in a cool acceptable way.

It made me realize that so many times we tell our children to do something, yet never realize that maybe they just don't know how.

An example of this is Sammy and Zach. There is 7 years between them. Zachary copies Sammy... looks up to him... and simply drives him crazy. I am forever nagging him to just be nice. It hit me that maybe he needs help with this. Zachary just wants Sammy's attention... so he does irritating things to get it.

My suggestion to Sammy was do the little things. Sammy got a new BMX bike... to do tricks etc... Zachary wanted to try it... Just say yes... to him and let him have a chance. Buy him a lollypop. When wrestling with him (Sammy's idea of attention) add in an "I love you, Zach."

Sammy and I made a contract together. The phone is mine, period. Yet he can have it from certain hours if he full fills the items on the contract. He was willing to do anything.

A few things off the contract are:

Hugs for mom a couple of times a day.

I love you, Moms... thorough out the day.

Make a conscious effect to connect with Zachary in small ways in his day.

There are other things obviously... yet these are the ones that are most important to me.

OK... you may think this is ridiculous. But it works. I think he just needed an out to love his mom the way he always has. Sometimes he will come and say "love you mommy... there, that is one time..." as I am cooking... I am good with that. Hugging... receiving it and accepting it... I am good with that.

It really has made a big difference. I have had to take the phone away when he does not do his share... and it is a reminder that we have an agreement.

When I was first stating my demands... Sammy laughed and said... "I want my lawyer to see this!"

I am grateful to connect with him... even through a contract... yet I am grateful that he has found a way to have me... mommy... when he needs it... as he does still need it.

Smile... It Really Isn't Hard...

Today was a day that I had running around to do ... we are selling one of our vehicles to the business... and the business vehicle is being sold to us.

How hard can that be?  Well let me tell you... from 11 a.m. to 4:30 p.m. I ran around getting the necessary signatures and what nots from lawyers, mechanics and the insurance company.  I had Josh, who was a real trooper, running with me...

After the last paper was completed... I went to the Ministry of Transportation to hand it all over... and waited to feel that feeling of completion.

I only left there extremely frustrated and was told that I had it all wrong.  I still am not clear of what I have wrong... and how and why they need the original bill of sales from 1999... I am pretty sure we don't have!

I left there really needing a good cry... needing to yell at Sanj, that he does not pay me enough to cover the frustrations and emotional trauma I suffered... and will continue to do so until I figure it all out!

He is working on his Doctorate...  maybe he will have better luck figuring it all out.  I am only mommy.  There are limits to my talents!  lol 

OK... as I was living this day of frustration, I was truly baffled by the workers  at the license bureau.  Now I am generalizing and I am sure there must be exceptions to the rule... but at least in Peterborough... why are the workers there so scary?

Most of them have very ugly, scary expressions... that certainly don't say... "How can I help you"  (especially since that is what they are being paid for!!!)   

They seem to take pleasure in letting you know you do not have all the stuff needed... they seem to say the least amounts of words possible...  These are government employees.  They have good jobs that many would give for... with benefits, holidays... lots of fake ones... and really have hard is it to simply be approachable and smile?

It is known to avoid the Peterborough Bureau and drive down to Lakefield office.... where they are kind and apparently go out of their way to help you.  It is worth the extra time to be served with a smile.

So...  nothing was accomplished off my list.  I am frustrated.  I suppose this is all in a day.

I start again, Monday...  

Remembering...

What Will I DO With All My Spare Time?

I was asked this question at least 3 times today.  It was annoying.

After dropping off the boys (on -time) at school, I filled out the many forms needed by the office.

At 9:30 I went to a meeting.  This lead to another meeting at 11 a.m.

In between, I went to Sanj's office and did a deposit... which took a LONG time as the man ahead of me had many requests, which he seem to think of each time he was done!

After my 11 o'clock, I went back to the school  to grab Tyler for his 12:10 ortho appointment.

Then it was a quick rush home to tidy up for company coming for supper.

Back for some groceries, quick run into Chapters ( my one me thing)... and then it was back to the school to pick up my boys.

The day passed a bit too fast!

Josh is having a great time at school.   I felt a little lonely and wished he would cry a bit so I'd have an excuse to snuggle with him! lol  But no, he had a grand day of having a mystery tour around the school among many other things.

So I guess I have figured out what to do with all that time... I'm busy doing all the things I  didn't have time for in the first place!

I Have to Tell...

The boys are home... lots to tell and share! I love it!

Sammy was non stop talking! He had a good day.

I was asking Josh about his day... He replies... "I love my class. I love my teachers."

Wow. Can I ask for a better answer?

I love his teachers too. I love that staff... you are awesome.

I am feeling blessed all around... great boys, great teachers and staff... great school!

And.... a first... he ate his whole lunch!

I Made It!!!

Today was the first day of school for all the Sukumaran boys. It is almost over and I can go and get them!

I am fine. Apparently Josh is fine... yes I did call and check!

It was hard. I didn't cry but really wish I could have as I would have probably felt better.

I had a headache and felt heavy and stressed for the most part of the day.

I did breakfast with a bunch of moms. I then went and got stuff to make lasagna for supper.

Things I discovered today... every one seems to notice when I am alone... from the waitress to the check out person at the grocery store!

I went into the regular bathroom stall... instead of opting for the handicap one so we can both fit without touching too much!

Grocery shopping is fast... very fast and cheaper done alone!

There is little ones calling "mommy" EVERYWHERE!

You never stop being mom even when your kids aren't there... there are other people's kids... it is just instinct!

My van is very quiet and big when I am in it.

I like being with people.

I like being home. Instead of shopping or what not I came home and found it comforting.

I came home and saw that there was a phone call from Sammy's high school... (OH MY GOSH... I have a kid in high school!!!)... my heart stopped a moment.... thinking he called or needed me.

Nope, just a girlfriend, thinking of me!

The craziness is about to be thrust upon me... I am actually looking forward to it. Well for today, anyways. The spelling list, memory verse, reading... will all be overwhelming soon enough and then I will be looking to sneak in a mom day with them!

Happy School Year... One down... how many more to go?

Sorry... but just a few more!

Today...

My babies... 4-14 years old are all in school today!

This is the first time in 14 years that I am on my own... not on purpose!

I have to say that the teachers and staff are so wonderful!

They get it. They are so understanding.

The picture on the stairs is a traditional groaning ... first day of school picture.

You can tell by the faces how has done it many times!

Then there is the picture of my oldest and youngest. Aw...

Then there is Josh... my baby. I think he was more excited about this outfit he picked then anything.

Of course there is Zachary, my big man in grade 2 and Max... looking at me with his... "really is this necessary..."

That is all I got. By the time I made it upstairs... the doors were shut and I didn't think the boys would like me walking in saying "Cheese!" lol

I'll write about my day in another blog... I just wanted to show off my beautiful boys.

Thank you, God, for the last 14 years!

How much I love my boys.

Give them great year!!!

Only 2 more hours till I get to go get them!

I'm Up!

I have been up since 5 a.m.  Oh if this could be a habit!

There is a crazy fly buzzing around me... driving me crazy.

I have had a bit of a tension headache since last night.

Josh came into our bed around midnight.  That was a little gift.  I needed to snuggle with him.

I had a dream that I was forced to go on this horrid roller coaster.   I hate those things!

Yet I had to get through it.  I had tears when I came of it... but I survived.

Maybe that is how today will be... yet I will survive! lol

It's 5:37 a.m.  I best get my act together so I am not going crazy in an hour!

Ready or Not...

There is never enough time in the day... it seems!

Happy Labour Day Weekend! Yesterday we had friends over and enjoyed hanging out till late at the campfire. Today... my in-laws will all be over to do much of the same!

I spent much of today trying to be organized for tomorrow (when everything closes down... annoying) and then the much anticipated and dreaded Tuesday.

I find myself really sad about the beginning of school. Maybe I am sad at the end of a season... staying home with my babes. I am feeling my heart races every now and again as I have been going through my day. (Maybe I am having a heart attack and ignoring it)!

I am really excited for Sammy... as he is really excited. He doesn't seem to be too stressed.

He doesn't seem to have the fear of being beaten up ( that seems to be a fear expressed by kids of my friends... sad... scary, eh?). So I am excited for him. I am not letting my fears and insecurities over take his readiness. So funny, as I watch him, occasionally... this kid pops out of his teenage being!

None of my middle crew are stressed or excited. School is school. Actually Tyler said... "10 MONTHS of homework! Yuk!" ( I kind of agree with him... too bad summer couldn't last a few more months)!

I finished the last minute shopping... forgot to buy one more tennis ball... needed for his chair... it wouldn't be me if I didn't forget something!

I have little nic nacs for the first day... lunch stuff bought... will organize the clothes tomorrow... most of the back packs are packed... just the waking up and being there on time... with no yelling will be a dream!

I asked Josh, "What will mommy do while you are at school?"

He asked Max.... "Could you stay home and be with mommy while I am at school?"

Aw... how I love him. I am going to miss him. I am not sure what I will do all tuesday...

it seems like a long day already!

Breakfast with other moms is all I have planned.

Wow... they are ready.

How much I love them!

2 more sleeps!

I had a good day with the boys yesterday... busy with last minute errands, last shoes to buy, last of the school supplies that were needed and got in a game of mini golf. Zachary got a couple of hole in ones as did some of the others!

I am sad summer is almost over. It was a good one this summer. We did a lot of water trips... beaches, creeks and pools. I realized that this activity ... water... bridges the age gap of my boys.

All of them have fun... nothing like getting wet, catching frogs, crayfish and other critters.

Josh has discovered the game boy. He gets a little too focused on it.

Sammy was off hanging with friends and seeing a movie. A true teenager... now.

The weekend is here... we squeeze a few more days of relaxing. Then it is time for routine... school... homework... lunches...

My Sweet Zachary!

Zachary's going into a grade 1/2 split. He doesn't get it. I heard him telling someone... "I am going back to grade 1."

Aw... my sweet boy. He is my big boy in a little boy's body. He has so much energy and zest of life. He is always wanting to do and try stuff.

School has been hard for him. Yet he persists... everyday. Friends... he feels he doesn't really have close ones. He told me that the one little boy invites him probably because his mom told him too. Aw... my sweet boy...

He is really trying in school... but it is coming slower than he would like. I know it is just going to hit him one day! Boom! But does it have to be so hard?

Dear Jesus...

My sweet Zach... How I love him... what a gift he is!

Help this school year to be a great one for him...

Help him make friends that feed him ...

Help him with the hard stuff... can it be a little easier for him?

Bless his teacher ... she is wonderful!

My sweet Zachary! Thank you for him!

How I love him!

MIA

Josh had a great time yesterday! It was so exciting to see... he loved his classroom(s) and teachers.

He also loves the bathroom.

This is the sink in the little boys bathroom... WHY?!! You have to step on this thingy on the bottom and then it sprays out!

Max asked Josh if you liked the sink... Josh replied, "Yes, it's like a hot tub!"

If Josh is M.I.A check out the boys bathroom! Oh fun!

I feel Weird...

I feel so weird. My dad's suppose to have surgery (can't remember what kind) and so my mom went to help him out.

It is what it is. It is a cycle. Just before she left she said that she wished she didn't say she was coming. But she went. It is what is familiar, I guess.

She called my brother saying my dad isn't doing well. Of course we know this. He has been hanging on for a while now. I think it is God... waiting... giving him chances to fix things... or maybe he is just stubborn... my dad.

Have you ever loved someone or something... yet you know you have to let go? It is a process, the letting go, but eventually you figure how to release, that pain becomes a dull ache that you feel once in a while, you may see it/them and then your life goes on...

Have you? This is how I feel about my dad. Yes, I love him. Yes, I wish for so much more. Yes, I have to let go or else I'll drowned in it.... the love and pain and hurt.

Maybe what I have spent the past so many years doing is mourning him. I feel weird inside.

I guess I don't wish him dead... of course not. Yet, I know that only in death will he have peace. I wish him peace that passes all understanding.

Because my mom is there... there will be the ongoing pulling me/us into the drama.

Until it ends.

And then what? I don't know. But I am feeling that dull ache. I am feeling tired. I am feeling that pull. I am feeling tired of always having to be strong to fight against getting pulled into that cycle.

Never do I want to be part of that cycle. Is that OK? Well it has to be. I don't think I would survive going back to it again. It was too hard to get out the first, second and third time.

Tonight's Gonna Be A Good Night!

Stuff...

I have so much that I need to get out by writing... and I don't even know where to start!

So let me tell you how beautiful a night it was last night... so bright and gorgeous. I had to take of a picture of the moon... in this picture, it really isn't all that... but I just love a full moon...

Last night was our school's Meet the Teacher BBQ... It is always a great way to start off the school with the excitement of reuniting with friends, making some new ones, checking out the classrooms... and food to top it off!

I always feel so charged! I love it! I feel like (as much as I have loved being with my kids this summer) I am ready for MY play dates!!! I have missed my friends, chatting in the traffic circle... playing when we can go out of a movie etc!

Do you know that song "Tonight's gonna be a good night?" by Black Eyed Peas? Well I know that this school year's gonna be a good one!

We have really struggled as a school... with adjusting to changes and financial issues... yet I really have seen that when we as a school (and school board) DO THE RIGHT THING... despite all others reasons... God is faithful!

Sometimes you need to see a God Sighting... last night I saw a few ... watching families return that weren't able to until God did His thing!

I am so looking forward to seeing this awesome year unfold!

Prayer... really... you can't underestimate it! Really... why would you want to? What if? What if there really is a Santa Clause? Or the Easter Bunny? Or a God? Oh to just grasp the faith of our children... and just know Santa's going to come through... Just keep the faith and believe that God has it all under control... He does it all for our good in His timing!

I am just preaching to myself. lol Sorry!

It was a good night!

Prayed Over!

I called my cousin the other day to see how things were.  He answered in his normal voice.

"How are things"... I asked?

"Really good! The doctors can't believe how well Johnny is doing.  He may get to go home tomorrow!" he told me, happiness oozing thorough the phone.

I told him how happy I was... etc.  He told me how he couldn't believe it.

I told him that it must have been all those prays being sent his way!

He laughed.

Just shortly after Johnny was in the hospital and I had talked to him, I told him about all the people that posted that they would send prayers for them.

I could hear him getting flustered.  

"I don't really like talk of prayer etc." he said... I could hear his pain.

"Ujjal, people pray to do something they believe in and makes them feel like they are doing something.  It isn't really about you... it is just a gesture.  And hey, what if God is there and listening?"  

I just let it go with there are people that are thinking of you.  Just pass that on to Johnny.

How much  he must have been hurt to get so agitated.

I am so thankful to all of you that prayed.  

I am so thankful for the extra time they have been given.

I am so thankful that God is a God of mercy and love.

Thank you!

Whites...

Just a question...

Do you hate doing the whites of your laundry?

I separate the clothes, keep putting the whites in a pile and let the whites collect!

When I have no choice, I put the white in.  Yet I HATE folding them.

I have had to wash the white again... many a time because I left them there too long.  Ewww...

So I have this thing about dealing with the white clothes.

I think because it is just all whites... no beginning or end.

Weird... I am weird right?  

Oh fine!

Ready or Not... Here High School Comes!

Last night we went to Sammy's high school grade 9 orientation. Wow, what a lot of people!

Lots of people and smells confined to hallways with no air flow! lol

Now I know why they say no perfumes due to people with allergies!

My nose is still complaining.

I have never been through a public school system. So I was overwhelmed by size of everything.

I am glad that Sammy seems excited and not too overwhelmed.

I am so glad that he has his friends in his classes, some of them and can get lost together. :)

Just little things like working his lock (that is what this picture is of)... eating... apparently it isn't too cool to eat... and I know that snow boots, hats and coats are not the things to wear either!

I am sure it is all good. I am kind of excited for him. I hope his high school years are full of happy memories and few of the yucky kind.

Tuesday, I will drop him off at a friends house and they can walk together.

I don't suppose I can sneak in on the pretense of visiting my friend that works in the library... eh? lol Probably not.

Last night I told him I had volunteered in the yearbook club to help with the pictures...

His reply was "I'll drop out of school!"

It is all good. Bring it on...

Mars... For REAL!!!

OK... I am writing this with steam coming out of my ears and other places...

My husband has really pushed my buttons today.

Remember how I said that I banned the boys from our bathroom?

So I went in early this morning and the seat was up. When Sanj came in from the gym, I said

"Sanj, could you not just put the seat down in this one bathroom... "

In 15 years of marriage and parenting, I have never once bugged them about putting the seat down. I figured this cuts down the chances of me seating on a wet seat.

Well... my annoying husband goes off on a tangent. How come men have to put the seat down? How come women can't put the seat up when they leave?

Really is this necessary?

He didn't shut up either... as he full well knows that he is annoying me. I had to give him the finger to show him my true emotions at that moment.

Oh yah, be sure that he is going to comment ... rant and rave with big words that you may require a dictionary to understand his reply. Blah blah blah!

Men are so from MARS!

Bathroom Laziness!

Since my post about bathroom issues... I have closed off my bathroom to the boys.

I have a hard time sticking to things... but I have remained firm. If my older ones try to sneak in for a shower... I have decided to charged $10 the first time, $20 the second time... etc.

I am so pleased. This morning as I peaked into their bathroom, I KNEW it was coming.

"Mommy, can I PLEASE shower in your bathroom? Ours is so messy!"

"Mommy, can I Please brush my teeth in your bathroom, I'll clean it up after I am done..."

NOPE!

So I divided up the bathroom...

Max... pick up the clothes and toys.

Jordan ... wipe off the toilet and sink.

Tyler... hallway stuff.

Soon it was done. Cleaner than it was half an hour ago and usable.

I feel good. It is a lot of work nagging and then follow up nagging... but at least it is getting done... and not by me. Yah!

Arrrrrrrrrrrgh!!!

I am not sure how to scream with letters that would accurately describe my feelings today!

There is so much laundry everywhere... which I keep neglecting so I can go and play with the boys... yet I have set a deadline of Friday for it to be done and put away!

There is the house that needs constant cleaning... where does dust come from??? I think dusting brings more dust!!!

But Zachary is intrigued by the toilet cleaner and brush... so hey, cleaner toilets... check!

There is a bit more shopping to do and then there is still the playing.

Beach tomorrow after noon, Warsaw Caves on thursday and Ontario Place on Friday for our last hurrah!

I feel the need to be organized for Tuesday (our first day of JK, grade 2, grade 4, grade 6, grade 8 and high school!!! Yikes... my heart is racing.

Plus I am almost done the book I am into which I am enjoying and wondering how the story is going to end like I think it should when there isn't that many pages left?

Tomorrow is Open House for Sammy and his fellow grade 9s. Thursday is our Meet the Teacher for the other boys.

I feel like I am on the cusp of something huge. After having a little one to be with for the last 14 years... I am letting the last one go into the big world. Tyler is beginning his last year at Rhema. I can't even image him graduating because I can still see his tears rolling down his cheeks as I hug him goodbye in JK. Soon he is going to be leaving this safe haven...

Then there is Zachary who seems like he should still be in SK... yet he is venturing into Grade 2!!! Then there are my two, Jordan and Max, that are moving along and it seems like everything is going to fast!

Wait! I am not ready for summer to end! Another week would be good... please?!!

And then there is the issue that I keep smelling vomit. I don't know what the heck I am smelling but it is really disturbing me!

So I sit here stalling... I really need to take up Yoga... and learn how to breathe in deep and release the stresses.

Right now we are off to see a cute Audiologist to get some of the boys hearing checked out. They seem to talk TOO LOUD!!!

So I best end this blog ... but I will tell you the funniest thing I saw while driving back from the dump... There was a herd of sheep all running together towards something... and then I see a sheep running with the pack but with a bucket on its head! It was so funny!

Tug Of Love!

I blogged about the frustrations of parenting my 14 year old. My cousin, my sweet, smart cousin, Cynthia, wrote a comment in response to it saying... " it doesn't help to know that 14 is when they are struggling to separate their identity from yours either ... or that it is especially crucial for boys to separate from their mothers at this age. "

I forgot. Over the years as I watched Sammy and Sanj battle it out over hair styles, clothing and friends... I always worried about what would happen once the teenage years were upon us.

I never dreamed that I would be the one that was the target for his de-funk.

Here is a quote from Karen Vincent of Elite Life Coaching"

Often times mothers feel this pulling back more than fathers do. This is because mothers are generally seen as the nurturers and the caretakers (although not always) and therefore sons need to push their mothers away in order to begin to create their independence. This is obviously very concerning for a mother who may try harder to reach out to her son in an effort to increase communication and to remain actively involved in his life. This, however, is actually not helpful and can create and increase in opposition, isolation or family discord. Understanding the reason for the behavior can be helpful for mothers so that they do not take this pulling back personally and can allow their son some space to begin to develop independence. Sometimes this pulling back is not so obvious with fathers, however, it still exists. Sons may connect with their fathers around other things (playing sports, a game on the TV, a project in the house) while maintaining an emotional distance during this time of developing independence.

Boys more often than not will isolate and avoid confrontation when possible. However, that is not to say that boys do not display strong, negative emotions towards their parents which can be scary and very problematic. Yelling by adolescent males can be very aggressive and threatening in nature and at times the anger turns physical which can result in their throwing things, breaking things and at times even lashing out physically at a parent. As is already stated, this can be very scary for both the adolescent who has likely grown in size and strength and for the parent.

Can I say... well la tee da! Hum... how many diapers did I change? How much I suffered while trying to master the art of nursing... ouch! OK... it is a phase. I am a grown up. I am suppose to be well adjusted and handle all these changes. But you want to know the truth? I am ill equipped.

Maybe I should have taken up golf or hockey? Or maybe I can just relax a bit. It is on Sanj. Have fun with the bonding and all that stuff. I guess I was lucky enough to have the last 12.5 years of being loved. Oh yah, I still have 5 others that still show their love.

Guess if and when Tyler goes through this next year, I will be better prepared.

Do other parents go into this ... the teen years knowing all this stuff? How did I miss it? I am so good about reading and understand the phases of childhood. I must have read "What to Expect When Expecting" 7 times! If there a version I missed?

OK... I am not complaining. Thank you so much Cynthia, for pointing that out. I missed it. I was so busy taking it personally.

By the time Josh comes around for the ride, I will just check out and go backpacking in Europe! Yahoo! I can't wait!

Caution!

Last night I had a hundred different things I needed to write. I was too tired. Yet I couldn't stop the thoughts from flowing.

I was thinking of all the things that parents do, good and bad. I was thinking of how hard it is... parenting. I was thinking of the years past when they were babies. It really was easy when they were babies. Feed them, change them, play with them, love them... all of which was so natural.

Now... it is hit or miss.

I can still love them till it hurts but that isn't enough. They can hurt back. That wasn't the deal... was it?

I am not good at this stage. Suddenly I realize why God gave me Josh. While my 14 year old is there being not so nice... my 4 year old lays there and says to me, "You are a good mommy. I love you."

Caution... parenting is not for the weak at heart!

A New Way...

Yesterday was the Father/Son Golf Tournament at the boys club.

Sammy and Sanj were a team. Tyler asked a Mr. Neilson (fellow golfer, family friend, father to fellow classmate...) to be his fill-in dad.

They had a great day together. Sammy and Sanj came in second. Tyler forgot his bracelet so that may have impacted his game a bit! lol

The thing about community is there are always people will to fill in when you need a surrogate.

One of the positive things about Facebook is that there is interaction between people that may not normally interact. My boys having Facebook relationships with teachers and adults that they may not otherwise.

An example of this is Mr. Neilson... Tyler admires him as a golfer. At the club championships, Tyler was really hyped about his game. He had been practicing and studying his game.

The championships came and Tyler did not have a good game... according to him. He was frustrated and very down. I passed Mr. Neilson in the parking lot and was chatting about Tyler's frustration. He said ... "That's OK... tell Tyler I shot a **! But I had fun doing it!"

As I repeated the conversation... Tyler perked right up. "He really shot a **?" Smile.

I guess misery loves company.

I love the little conversations or one liners that the adults take time to leave the boys.

It is another form of encouragement and mentoring.

It may not be what we are used to ... but it is a new day.

It is a new way!

Rejuvenated!

It has been a stressful summer for those that serve on the board of our school. Financial issues have led to some families leaving and letting some teachers go. We are a family so it is so hard to accept these kinds of changes.

I wondered how it would all come about. Yet over the last weeks I have seen God's hand. Really seen HIS hand! Things have happened that are truly God's guiding. I love watching Him work.

I am one that gets so frustrated sometimes Looking FOR God that I miss the SIGHTINGS as they are happening in front of me.

Over the last few months I have said a couple of prayers asking God ... if it is possible... if He could work somethings out for people I care about.

I have to admit... I prayed both prayers with out much faith. Sad and bad but true.

I feel like I won the lottery. Not that these things have happened because of me... of course not. But sometimes you just need to see a God sighting... and how awesome when you see it in people's lives that are so deserving!

There has been so much of our school community coming together and just getting stuff done. I love it!!!

Today I was to go to the portable that was used as a reusable store at the school and finish cleaning it out. If you have read any of my blogs, you are well aware that cleaning is not my favorite thing to do. I hate cleaning.

I have to admit I was very overwhelmed looking at the stuff that needed to be done and not feeling well either.   Yet the two other moms that came to help brought their children too... we had 14 children between the 3 families... and the children WORKED!!!  It was so wonderful!

Add some teachers that came and donated their time and energy... a couple of dads that were there at the right time... It was great!!!

I am so thankful to be part of such a great place!!! (Hey... we are accepting applications... call for you tour... 705.743.1400)!

Being there rejuvenated me!  God is so good.

So I end this blog with this thought... never know who it may apply to...

Sometimes we think doors are closed.  We are accepting things as they have to be.  Yet sometimes God opens the door.  It may not be the easiest thing to walk into His open door yet sometimes we need to just walk through in faith.  Sometimes we need to let others get a blessing in doing and we need to be the gracious receiver.  Sometimes God is working things out even if we don't ask and just accept!

How awesome is it to serve a God that really does have us covered!

A Batty Day!

Wow! Today was a full day. I am exhausted by the constant need of mommy today. Not so much the physical exertion but the emotional one.

The boys were just busy and full of energy and then some. On the way to get a few heads of hair tamed, Sammy and Tyler wrestled, punched, slapped and laughed the whole way. I was stressed by the interaction waiting for a breaking sound or crying.

Then there was the "keep away Zach's ball cap" game while Zach was screeching for it.

Then there was who was going to sit in the back...

It was on going.

To add to the stress of my day... while at the school with a great group of ladies there to clean out the portable... I made my way to the office. As I walked down the hall this black THING flies past me... I could have touched it... I SCREAMED and ducked into the office shutting both doors as Rena, our sweet, calm secretary goes and tell our principal there's a BAT!!! ( I am shivering even as I write it!!!)

I am hiding out in the office.. in walks Mr. S ... I see his face (the expression he had on was similar to ones I had seen on my boys faces) and saw a thing in his hand as he throw it at me.

OK... I didn't even know I had the ability to scream as I did. I don't know WHAT I would have done had he really thrown a bat at me... but probably would have gone into cardiac arrest!

Oh MY GOODNESS!

I really was scared but that turned into embarrassment as I realized I had been teased.

What do they say about PAYBACK? Any ideas are welcome... especially from you, Mrs. S!

I think that little experience exhausted me! Mr.S did come and apologize saying he didn't know I was really scared! OK... forgiven but NOT forgotten!

So was my day full of testosterone. I love it. All of it for the most part. But today I could have used a bit of pink and fluff in my day. I wonder where I can get some cotton candy!

My Reality... Your Reality....

Today my girlfriend came up from Toronto.   We have known each other since my early days of marriage.  Our husbands played football together and we would hang out whenever we had the chance.

Her kids are in their 20s.  We are living in two very different worlds.   She called me once and said she was bored.  I was so upset.  "Don't call a mom of 6 boys and tell her your woes of being bored!"

It is a joke between us.  Do you have a friendship that is just easy?  It isn't any work?  We are together and it is just relaxing.  We call when we call and we see each other when we see each other.

She stepped into my reality for a few hours.  I am sure she is going to go home tonight and enjoy her reality... quiet and bored doesn't seem so bad! lol

She was shocked at the boyness of my boys.  We went to a creek so the boys would be occupied and we could hang out.  Yet I am not sure she really relaxed.  She is not used to boys wading into a creek looking for critters...  Yet she was fearfully curious... when the boys caught the crayfish, frog and even a fish.

The boys were very comfortable with her presence quickly and had no qualms of being there usual self of fighting for seats and nets.

Our reality is very different.  Our lives are very different.  I love her honestness and approach to life.  I love her realness.

I am glad that she thought our new house is closer... or felt much closer... maybe she will come down more often.  Or maybe I'll escape to her reality for a break!

A good day.  A good day spent with a friend.

The Bracelet

My sweet Tyler suffers from self afflicted anxiety.   There are some things that stress him out yet over the years and we have really worked at this.  

Yet now that he is of the age to initiate something things such as  playing in a golf tournament.  He does it with a lot of enthusiasm.  It is all good until the morning of the tournament.  Then the symptoms appear.

Usually it begins with a belly ache or symptoms of the flu.  When this doesn't work for him, we get a phone call with an injury.

One year he "broke his foot" by hitting his ball that hit a tree and ricochets back to hit his ankle.

At another one he had  sudden onset of the flu.

It is a well known fact that a new environment stresses him out as well as not knowing who he will golf with.

The boys saw/heard of the wristbands with pieces of magnet on them.  Many sports figures are wearing them.  It is been seen on the golf course to provide calm allow you to play your best game.

Tyler bought one.  He wore it to Hockey Camp... another thing he chose to do and really stresses about every year.  We knew that if it works we would know!

So does it work?  Many who have it swear it does.  The boys are in a golf tournament on Monday... so we shall see.

I don't know for sure... but he has been a lot calmer at hockey camp.  No sudden sicknesses showing up.  Just minor things... a helmet that is too tight... the need for a new mouth guard... but vomiting or life threatening injuries!

I may have to buy some stock!  Maybe I should buy myself one for the first day of school!

I Don't Really Have A Title...

I am stalling... as there is a very gross bathroom I have to clean before bed!

I just baked a blueberry cake... well I am waiting to make sure it turned out.

At the grocery store, if you spent over $100 you can 2 big things of blueberries. None of us are big blueberry people. So I made yummy muffins to disguise the blueberries... most ate the strudel topping... and to finish off the remainder of the blueberries... comes the cake.

If you are wondering why I write even when I have nothing to say... it is just me trying to discipline myself. Write everyday. It is what writers (the real ones) say to do. So I am ... thus my blog.

Today was a good day. Busy as usual. Then we went to the creek and played. I know I have hundreds of pictures of the boys playing at the creek. Yet I love taking pictures of them playing here because they are so engaged. They love it! They can't get enough!

As we were walking my 11 year old walks with me and says, "Can I hold your hand?" I love it!

Tonight I am laying down with Josh in bed and Max is keeping us company.

Max asks me "Would you want 6 boys or 6 girls?"

My reply... "6 boys."

Max replies " But you always said you wished you had a girl."

My reply... "Yes, Max... I do wish I had 1 girl not 6!"

Josh says " You are the girl!"

Phew problem solved. Good thing we just have one girl in this family!

Love Me... Like Me....

I am not sure what the mother rules are... so I am probably breaking a big one... but is it OK to admit you don't LIKE one of your kids?

Probably not, eh? Well good thing I am not talking about one of mine! lol They are all angels and I love them dearly!

A friend of mine is having a tough go. Her daughter is miserable all the time, rude and has a problem with entitlement. She is never wrong and therefore really does not feel the need to apologize. My girlfriend has so worried about her daughter not having a conscious.

I, personally think a parent is not going to like their child all the time. It is OK to feel that way because it is a real emotion and who really likes anyone 100% of the time. I don't like myself 100% of the time!

I remember when one of the boys was born, my labour was very painful. It was a short labour (I use that term loosely). 2 hours of active labour and I was out of this world in pain. I have to admit that when he was born, I really did feel anger towards this babe.

Stupid, yes, I know. But I was dealing with the boy factor even though I already knew the sex and to top it off, it so ridiculous the pain that I went through. I thought a shorter labour was going to be awesome... I would have rather been in 12 hours and had an easier time.

So day 1 went by and I started to feel really bad about not liking this babe. What if I didn't bond with him? I remember the 2nd night laying there, just staring at him. Slowing over a period of time, I feel in love with this rascal. He worked it and won my heart. He is a keeper.

Thankful love takes time sometimes... even for parents.

So as I watch my girlfriend struggle to like her daughter, I think it is perfectly normal, isn't it?

The love is there. The like factor is as it is in any relationship. Why should parenting be different?

But what do I know... as I am constantly reminded by my wonderful babes!

Lou Lou Skip to the Lou!

Living in a house full of men, I learn the funniest things. Women, we really are a very different sex. We just are. There really isn't a better sex, just very different.

Sanj comes home from being out and shares this experience with me. He is in the bathroom, doing his business at the urinal. Beside him is a boy... about Zach's age. The boy stares at him.

Discombobulated, my sweet husband turns a bit. The boys keeps staring. Sanj is extremely uncomfortable and leaves as quickly as possible.

As he is sharing with me his experience, I am laughing! I really didn't see what he was so stressed about.

I stumbled on this blog (http://bealing.wordpress.com/2009/05/27/dan-dan-the-lavatory-man ) and laughed again as I read this:

One night last week a bloke talked to me in the pub toilet. Yes, exactly, that’s what I thought. He actually tried to hold a conversation with me while I was going about my business. Yes. He did.

Most of you reading this will fully understand the distress this caused me, but in case a woman has accidentally logged in, I shall explain: Blokes don’t talk to each other in the loo. Never. Never, ever, ever. It’s just not done. I could be standing there at the urinals with my best mate to my left, my dad to my right and my long-lost brother washing his hand at the sink behind me and no words would be exchanged until we left the Gents. Protocol is to have one hand (or in my case two hands) on your willy and stare straight ahead reading the graffiti or the very amusing adverts for online poker on the wall in front of you. But whatever happens KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT, YOUR OPINIONS TO YOURSELF AND YOUR EYES FRONT !!!

A public lavatory is a place where we men feel at our most vulnerable. We’re not the greatest communicators at the best of times, so the chances of indulging in idle persiflage fly out of the window the minute we get our winkles out.

So this bloke—let’s, for the sake of looking for another joke, call him Dan— so this bloke Dan spoke to me in the Gents. I have no idea what he said, I was in shock. All I know is that it wasn’t “Alright, mate?” or “Ooooooooh, that’s better”. No, it was in the form of an opening line of a conversation. I just heard noise, my brain couldn’t process the information. Virtually all of my body froze, though part of it went limp and shriveled. I zipped up, nodded politely (I’m British, after all) and left immediately and quickly, and what I had started in the urinal was left to dribble down the inside of my trouser leg as I fled.

Are you laughing with me?!!!

I wondered if our boys knew this... so I asked them over lunch. Sammy looks at me and says, "why are you talking like this?" I guess the natural discomfort is something born in them. Sanj said that most boys just pick up on this kind of social etiquette.

I can't image going to the bathroom and doing my business in front of everyone. Why are there urinals? How come they just can't have stalls like we do? What does it mean when a guy does go into a stall?

Aw... the mysteries of the opposite sex!

The Bed!

It is 5:42 a.m. and I am up.  This is not a typical thing but as I climbed back into bed I felt like I was climbing a sand dune!

Our bed is a gadget bed.  It is one that has two single size bladders that make a kind bed.  The "luxury" of this bed is that each person can have their chosen level of comfort.

It was a splurge many years ago that my sweet dear hubby bought.

He is a gadget person.  He is also stubborn!

Over the years the something or other leaks causing the mattress to slow get softer and softer.  If you are on my side, you can actually roll off as you would as a kid rolling down the hill.

It is a chore to hook up the tubal thing and pump it up.  So it doesn't get done too often.  So by morning I have rolled down hill and am snuggled into Sanj!  Hum... maybe this is his motive all along... as I am a leave me alone sleeper.

I keep threatening to go out and buy a new bed... which may happen at some point.  Yet there always seems to be too many other things to buy with that kind of money! lol

So as I climbed back onto my bed... feeling grits of sand... from the boys who laid there after no doubt playing in the sand box...

I felt like I was at the sand dunes... I just need a bucket and shovel!

My COUSIN...

I want to tell you about one of my cousins. Ujjal.... a.k.a James. We are one month apart. He is 6'6 and in drag is one of the prettiest ladies! Well... at least has one of the best bodies in drag! lol

We grew up together. We fought, played and love each other. After my family left Florida in 1982 and moved to Ohio I used to get letters from him or phone calls chatting about all his girl friends.

Sometimes while I was in university, he came and lived with us for a while. He needed a place of refuge as he came out. I discovered all his girlfriends were really boyfriends.  His Dad did not handle that his son loved other men.

He is the most loving guy you will meet. He also comes with a fierce temper. He is musical and gifted in the arts. He is also in many ways the most honest person you will meet. I know in the first 5 minutes if my makeup or outfit meets his standards. Usually they don't! I always have a great time with him!

His world is so different from my world. Yet when we are together... we are family. Blood is thicker than all the differences. Our love for each other has seen us through many rough moments.

A few years ago, (I did blog this already) when my dad was knocking on death's door... my cousin flew in from Texas with his life partner and was there... saying "I knew this would be rough, so we came."

Is that love or what? It is one of the most beautiful things someone has done for me.

This is a man that lives in a 200 square foot house (no that isn't a typo) that they built... with no bathroom yet. (They walk across the lawn to the dad's house).

Ujjal lives a simple life. He has learn from so many hard life moments that the most important thing in life is not the size of ones house, or the initials after your name or what is in your saving account... it is who you love. If you have someone to share your life with... you are rich.

Today is his birthday. For 30 days he is older than me! Yes that does count! I called him to wish him a Happy Birthday! He isn't his usual self. What is wrong.... my heart starts to pound.

Both our parents ... his mother and my father (siblings) are in poor health... a crisis is always waiting to happen.

He then tells me that Johnny, his partner, is in the hospital. Heart failure. His liver is shot... his kidneys are failing... he is dying. My cousin is waiting to see if he will turn a corner.

He told me he went home last night and sat in his truck for 2 hours. He couldn't bear the thought of going into an empty house.

I want to get into the plane and be there, right now. He says wait. If I didn't have my family to think of, I would be there tomorrow.

So I wait. I will send Johnny flowers tomorrow so he remembers that I love him. He is family. How can I love this man I barely know? Because he has shown my cousin love and happiness. He lifted his hands and cleaned out my Dad's apartment while we planned his funeral. He stood up for me when I needed help. He is part of our family.

I will pray for Johnny that if God sees fit, could he grant Johnny more years with my cousin?

I will pray for my sweet dear cousin. I pray for strength and peace.

I feel so sad. I feel so far away. I wish I could be that support for him that he was for me.

So all I can do is pray. I pray for a miracle for him... for both of them. I pray that God will make Himself so real to my cousin who has been so hurt by church and all that he grew up with.

I love you, my sweet cousin! I know it isn't a happy birthday Ujjal. But I am so glad you are here... you make this world better just by being you.